If we are being completely honest with ourselves, no one actually wants to breakup with their boyfriend, fiancé or husband after discovering his first cheating scandal. Ideally, “he cheats once and I’m gone” is the motto many of us carry entering into a new relationship. However, after years of building something comfortable and establishing a familiar space alongside someone special, most people aren’t going to let go of their romantic investment simply because their man makes one mistake. Whenever we tend to discuss the realities of cheating amongst our social circles, people who have never experienced a long-term relationship are quick to suggest that a side-piece should never be approached. Some individuals feel that the man we romantically involve ourselves with is the only party who should be answering our questions or providing an explanation about his involvements outside of the relationship. And while I do agree that the man we love should be held responsible for all of his disloyal and unfaithful ways, a man is rarely going to offer the entire story once he gets caught.
Men sit quietly and listen to their partner scream, holler and GO OFF about his cheating antics because he needs to figure out how much information you’ve actually discovered. A man’s responses will usually only address the simple facts or assumptions you’ve laid before him. So, unless you’ve physically caught him engaged in a sexual act with someone else, his details regarding the other person are going to strictly align with the basics of what you may have found out or been told.
When you are wondering why your man isn’t saying anything as you are screaming to the top of your lungs and presenting your evidence against him, it’s because he is waiting for you to reveal all of the facts that you have gathered. He is never going to respond in the middle of your rant – possibly incriminating himself by addressing a portion of his affair that you know nothing about. Hence the reason you may want to address the side-piece first.
In contemporary culture, playing the role of the side piece has become a glorified, made for reality television career. Intentionally pursuing men who are knowingly involved in long-term relationships has become a routine that is now being practiced publicly. The side piece, known commonly as the “other man” or “other woman” is often an individual who isn’t necessarily looking for love – but instead has set their sights on a social or financial come up by way of a guy who seemingly “has it all”. People are now plotting situations to connect with married, engaged and other romantically linked men as a ploy to cause trouble and create pseudo opportunities for themselves. Sometimes, our men are to blame for igniting the initial stages of the rendezvous with the other person. However, in some circumstances, he is merely guilty of stepping into a bait trap and getting caught up in a situation that he had no business entertaining in the first place.
In some circumstances, the other individual your dude is dealing with has no idea that he is involved in a solid, romantic relationship. This is why approaching his side-piece in a mature fashion can benefit the outcome of this unfortunate situation. In the event that he was the pursuer, he possibly presented himself as a single man who is free to date, deal and sleep with anyone he so chooses. And it’s in this instance that the side-piece will be so disgusted and feel so degraded being lied to and played as second best, that he or she will immediately cut all ties with your guy. You will still have to make the logical decision to either continue being romantically involved with your man or not, but by addressing the side-piece directly, you have potentially eliminated the length of time it may have taken for him to end the affair.
Despite his admittance to any and all wrongdoing, a man isn’t going to immediately unfollow a side-piece on social media or send a text stating that all communication needs to cease. He isn’t going to rush to verbally tell the other person that he is actually involved in a relationship and has decided to focus his attention on that romantic commitment. Yes, it is a man’s job to end any sexual or inappropriate relationships that he has involved himself in outside of his established partnership. Sometimes, however, taking matters into our own hands resolves the surface issue quicker — that surface issue being the physical presence of this third party.
The other skanky and cantankerous type of side-piece are the ones who pursued your man and were fully aware of his relationship status in the very beginning. This type of side-piece is indeed jealous of what you’ve established with your man and has convinced themselves that by messing with him, the interaction places their questionable status on your social and moral level. Once approached face to face, this type of “other person” will more than likely share all of the details of the affair in an attempt to hurt you or knock you down a few pegs. Some of the information will be over exaggerated of course, but much of what you were unable to uncover on your own will be laid on the table for you to decipher.
At least by first approaching the other person in this instance, you are able to present your dude with a full spectrum of details and events surrounding his indiscretions. Instead of sitting back and only having to address the minor details that you are able to lay on the table upon stumbling across that first late night text message, the information that you’ve gathered from his “other”, forces him to address the entire, sorted situation.
Keep in mind, however, that a side-piece is only as relevant and threatening to your relationship as your man allows that individual to be. If your dude truly honors and respects the sanctity of what he has established alongside you, there isn’t another person walking who can seduce him into violating your trust or his loyalty to you. Sometimes, men do give in to physical temptations. Once you find out about the cheating, whether it is mild flirtation or an intense, ongoing relationship, you have to decide very quickly how to best effectively handle the situation. Do you approach him with the minor, initial information that you have uncovered on your own or do you approach the side-piece first to seek details and to make your position as the boyfriend or girlfriend, understood?
Either way, there is nothing socially or morally wrong with deciding to stay with your man after discovering that he has indeed cheated. However, a cheating mistake repeated more than once then becomes a conscious decision. You can accept his apology and promises the first time, but do not ever tolerate a recycling door that your man leaves open for other people and side-pieces to constantly enter your relationship. It is totally unacceptable.
COMING SOON: “LOVE, DATING & RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN“:
The iPhone Group Chat Live (Washington DC) — Sunday, August 16, 2015
to be exclusively released viayoutube.com/XemVanAdams, XemSays.com & XemSays.tumblr.com
I NEED 100% INVOLVEMENT FROM MY READERS, VIEWERS & SUPPORTERS!
When I release “Love, Dating & Relationships Between Men: The iPhone Group Chat Live (Washington, DC)” segment on Sunday, August 16, 2015, I really need ALL OF YOU to watch the video within the first 24 hours. Please do not wait and put off viewing the video until later in the week or the following weekend as many of you often do. I need your viewership within the first 24 hours. The video will be released to youtube.com/XemVanAdams, XemSays.com and XemSays.tumblr.combetween 8:00pm EST and 9:00pm EST. There will not be the usual reposting of the video link on any of my social media platforms. The link will appear only ONCE.
PLEASE leave all of your comments directly beneath the video. In the past 7 years, I have received the MAJORITY of your comments and feedback in my various social media inboxes, via email or in my notifications. For this particular video release, please say EVERYTHING in the comment section, directly beneath the actual video. Even if you have NEVER posted a blog or video comment since September 2007, I need you to make this release the first time you actually step outside of your comfort zone and PUBLICLY comment. I stepped outside of my comfort zone majorly to create this project. Also, I need each of you to physically “LIKE” the video. It does not matter if the video has already received 300+ or 500+ “LIKES”. Yes, you clicking the THUMBS UP button does matter and truly does make a difference.
A LOT of important individuals will be watching and paying attention to how this video is received. One of the major differences between my platform and those of my contemporaries is that even though my stat sheets prove that my articles are being read by mass audiences and my videos are being seen by thousands, the PUBLIC FEEDBACK isn’t as evident. For whatever reason, you all will only contact me privately, and that does nothing to prove to the POWERS THAT BE that I am able to successfully engage an audience.
I truly need you all to come through for me this time. A LOT of money, time, patience, promotion and effort has been invested into this upcoming project. I really am relying on you all to post the link EVERYWHERE within the first 24 hours of its release. I need you to post the video link or embed code on your Twitter timelines, in your Facebook groups, Google+ circles, tumblr pages, personal websites, create screen captures or record 10-15 second video clips for Instagram, Vine, Snapchat and any other online forum where you operate a network page. The reach for this video segment will greatly determine whether or not I elect to invest in the recording of a follow-up.
So, I come to you to say — IF you truly believe in me and support my platform in the ways in which you have declared over the past 8 years, you will immediately WATCH, COMMENT, LIKE and SHARE the 30 minute video segment that I am releasing on Sunday, August 16, 2015 between 8:00pm EST and 9:00pm EST via youtube.com/XemVanAdams, XemSays.com + XemSays.tumblr.com.
One of the toughest parts of adulthood is probably letting go of people who once upon a time we assumed would exist forever – having to make a final decision to cut off a relationship that has begun to create stress, sadness and personal anguish. We sometimes battle with a sense of guilt for ending these friendships, regardless of how miserable or one-sided they’ve become. And its simply because this individual has existed alongside us for so many years. We naively convince ourselves that if someone has acted amongst our circle as a long-term friend, then somehow that’s the role this person is “supposed” to always play in our lives.
Time and time again, we leave from spending time with this person or interacting with them over the phone, and there’s a consistent feeling of frustration. You sense that the two of you are growing apart, but somehow, you can’t pinpoint why the closeness or even comfort level in being in their company has changed. Then, as you begin to replay the past few months or recent years over in your head, things become a bit more clear.
For a little too long now, you’ve been making excuses in order to keep this “friend” in your life. Their time expired quite some time ago, but in order to have them around, you’ve allowed yourself to suffer – to play backseat to their selfish ways, inconsiderate decisions, sneaky behavior and dismissive attitudes.
Over the past few months, your friend has not been physically or emotionally as present for you as you have always been for them. Their go-to reason or explanation continues to be the fact that they are “going through stuff” or don’t feel like being around people and simply need space to think. And that would be understandable if the two of you were merely associates, but you never shut this friend out of your life when you too were going through your own dark moments and personal storms. You’ve never told this friend NO, regardless of how tired you were when unexpectedly they asked you to pick them up from the airport at 2:00am or needed to borrow twenty dollars when you were down to your last few coins.
We try to pretend that it doesn’t bother us when we learn more about our friend from circulating rumors and second hand stories than we’ve actually heard directly from their mouth. The tid-bits of information that we have managed to squeeze from our friend as of lately have been riddled in half-truth and flat out lies. Whenever you’ve tried to have a heart-to-heart conversation simply to make sure they are doing okay or surviving day to day, the invites are blown off and the phone calls go unanswered. The friendship has become nothing more than you holding on to the last few straws that keep the two of you bound.
Your feelings are hurt. You are tired of fighting for someone who not only has given up on the relationship and bond the two of you have established, but they’ve ultimately given up on themselves. While you are forging forward in life and trying to carve a future that mirrors the dreams you’ve always envisioned, they are spending their days sprawled across the living room sofa playing Xbox. Never once do they ask anymore about how you are feeling or inquire about your day-to-day activities. They express little to no interest in your recent accomplishments in school, on your job or even the new happenings that frame your personal life. Things have honestly reached the point where you question whether or not your friend even still loves or cares about you.
So, you’ve made the difficult decision to remove yourself from the situation – because that is what the friendship has become; a difficult, frustrating situation. You’ve been mistreated for so long at this point that you no longer have the energy to even send one of your, “just checking on you” or “we really need to talk” text messages.
And, you’re not mad at your friend necessarily, but you expected to be treated with a bit more respect after all of these years and between all of those memories and above every moment you pushed your personal shit aside to be the light your friend may have needed. So now you’ve moved on, and you’re not going to allow this friend or any other to make you feel unappreciated ever again.
You do not have to still like someone or even desire that the individual remain in your personal life in order to move beyond a situation. In most circumstances, forgiveness is instant. However, trust must be built and restored over time. There is no parallel between forgiving someone for your own sake and being forced to offer them the same level of relationship that existed previously.
Forgiveness simply means that we have accepted the fault or flaw in ones actions and we no longer hold a slate of anger or malice towards them. Our hearts and our spirits are free of the resentment that once dictated our every thought or feeling regarding this other individual. Once we have successfully rid ourselves of the ill feelings we carried as a result of how someone mistreated us, it’s then important to make that person earn your friendship back. You gave them everything the first time and their assumption that you’d always be around resulted in them taking advantage of your friendship and your heart. WELL… NOT THIS TIME.
COMING SOON: “LOVE, DATING & RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN“:
The iPhone Group Chat Live (Washington DC) — Sunday, August 16, 2015
to be exclusively released viayoutube.com/XemVanAdams, XemSays.com & XemSays.tumblr.com
While out in Mount Washington this morning praying and taking photos, I decided to turn the camera on myself and share a brief message that existed in my spirit. I hope something of what I say resonates with the right individual(s).
I simply want people to realize that the power of change truly does rest in our hands. How you invest your time, energy and attention determines the ways in which certain elements in your life will ultimately take shape. Our circumstances are temporary. Those who plant seeds during harvest season, shall reap the rewards of their hard work and continuing efforts as the tides turn.
In association with XemSays.com and Emerald Eye Entertainment
Xem VanAdams Presents…
The iPhone Group Chat Live: Washington, DC
LOVE, DATING & RELATIONSHIPSBETWEEN MEN
Over the past three years, I have spent countless hours throughout each day engaged in a series of group text message and screen-cap exchanges with my two good friends, NATE @psycho_gemini and DUANTE @4theloveofdevious.
Discussing a variety of issues associated with our dreams, aspirations, spirituality, favorite music, news headlines and other people’s online mess, the three of us always return to the ins and outs that frame our dating or relationship experiences. In the winter of 2014, we joked one morning about how funny or odd it would be to see other people’s reactions if they were to ever read a leaked copy of our uncensored, iPhone group chats. We made the collective decision to someday film ourselves actually talking to one another as openly and freely on camera as we do via cell, daily. Then, a few weeks ago, the three of us attended a happy hour event in Silver Spring, MD to kill time before we arrived at the Tori Kelly concert. Duante randomly suggested it would be a good idea to add other individuals to our videotaped chat session. He wanted to incorporate guys who would possibly challenge the similarities in our perspectives and points of view.
After careful evaluation, we decided that MATTHEW @jaiden_elijah, BRANDON @bgldnboi and CHRISTOPHER @me_poppa, would make great contributors to our candid conversation. On Saturday, July 11, 2015, the six of us convened in Northeast, Washington DC to openly discuss love and dating within our community.
Filmed by Joshua Cristos and his Malak Media Group team, the six of us engaged in a 30-minute conversation that tackles a variety of issues. Through a series of direct questions and bold responses, this group successfully addresses the relationship dynamics that exist between men.
Join us during the summer of 2015, as this special Xem VanAdams video segment is released exclusively via youtube.com/XemVanAdams, XemSays.com & XemSays.tumblr.com.
Please follow the Xem VanAdams social media networks to guarantee that you are one of the first individuals to be notified before the link to this special presentation appears in timelines and forums across the World Wide Web.
Many people spend forty hours each week strapped to a swivel office chair that is positioned comfortably behind a cubicle or a cherry wooden desk of some kind. Between taking calls, inputting computer data, running reports or managing a staff that completes all of these tedious tasks, your job has become an intricate part of your life. You either love what you are paid to do from nine to five everyday or you’ve grown to loathe everything associated with your title, position and responsibilities. However, you’ve become very comfortable or complacent in the routine of each day. You don’t have to consciously think about what needs to be completed first thing in the morning. Your boss no longer has to remind you about turning in certain files after lunch, or remembering to shut down your computer and lock your phone at the end of the day. When you are in the office, you pretty much do whatever you want because you’ve been employed with the same company for years. No one of authority addresses your attitude, mood or demeanor and that’s precisely why most of your co-workers can’t stand you.
For quite some time now, you’ve been allowed to get away with being less than professional. Everyone who works around you has become increasingly bothered by your behavior. The things you say out of your mouth and everything you do during office hours has become so normal to the higher ups that they basically allow your actions to slide. As a result, you’ve become the topic of lunch hour conversations for seven of your most annoying, in office habits….
7. PROLONGING GROUP MEETINGS – You are the only individual who sits in the back of the team room and actually responds to the boss when he asks if anyone can share a story or give an example of a situation that supports a statement he has made. You see meetings as the perfect opportunity to ramble on and on about how things use to be when you were hired before all of the new people came on board. Very little of what you have to say in meetings is concise or even relevant to the topics that are being presented. Your entire point and purpose in raising your hand is to verbally remind everyone that you have some level of seniority or advanced experience.
6. YOUR OFFICE PARTY CONTRIBUTIONS ARE ALWAYS BASIC – As much as you love to brag about your seniority on the job, you never like to bring real food or necessary items to the holiday parties or other company events. While everyone else makes homemade pasta, grilled chicken, baked cookies or a special seven-spice punch, you’ll bring straws – a pack of 20 for a staff of 53. Even when it’s your turn once a quarter to contribute to the Friday staff breakfast, you’ll simply stop at Dunkin Donuts to purchase one, twenty-five count box of munchkins. You’re the first person in the office to pile your plate with everyone else’s homemade dishes. However, when it comes to contributing food items that most of the other staff would eat and enjoy, you choose to bring the flimsy, white, dentist office cups.
5. YOUR GOSSIP HAS CREATED A LOT OF OFFICE TENSION – Since you’ve been working for the same company for so long, you seem to know the personal and professional business that’s associated with the admin, supervisors, newcomers, janitors and support staff. Although you don’t maliciously cause drama by sharing people’s business with others in the office, you certainly don’t stop yourself from gossiping either. Since you spend more time walking by everyone’s cubicles than you spend sitting at your own, you tend to catch the tail end of personal conversations. Anything you hear, whether it is accurate or only the partial story, you take the information and tell it to anyone willing to listen. If you see Tony tap the vending machine with his fist to help Janet retrieve her soda that was stuck, you’ll begin telling others that they’re dating. Your mouth and half-truths are always found at the center of controversy that ignites between your co-workers. When people approach you to ask why you said certain things about them, your first and immediate response is always, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Where did you hear that?”
4. YOU DON’T RESPECT THE OFFICE CLOCK OR OTHER COMPANY POLICIES – As far as you’re concerned, everyday is casual Friday and your ‘lunch hour’ is merely a title that has little to do with a set, 60 minute time period. Despite the fact that you work in a fairly business-casual environment, the outfits you decide to wear to work are always inappropriate. You will come into the office on Monday wearing thong flip-flops and a wrinkled, graphic tee. Sometimes, your explicit body art and other piercings are blatantly on display. You have violated the dress code so often that for you to actually be dressed appropriately for an office environment would appear abnormal to the other staff. Meanwhile, though a five-minute grace period is in effect to give employees time to return from their hour lunch break and settle down, you return to your desk at your own leisure. Often times, without notice to anyone on the administrative staff, you’ll leave for lunch fifteen minutes early and return thirty to forty-five minutes late. Not only do you return from lunch way beyond your scheduled period, you’ll also then sit at your desk and carry on the cell phone conversation that contributed to your lateness.
You’re loud, laughing and talking to the top of your lungs. Never mind the fact that cell phone usage is only permitted outside, in the break room or in case of an emergency – your desk is used as a phone booth. Your co-workers know the intimate details that surround the lives of your family and close friends because they’re exposed to your “personal” conversations on a regular basis.
3. YOU THINK YOUR POSITION IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT IT REALLY IS – Sweetie, though you’ve been employed with the same company for three years, you have never been promoted beyond your entry level position. You hold the same title as all of your co-workers who were newly hired or brought on board permanently after completing a temp assignment. However, you make it your business to send out mass emails and other memos that detail what others in your same position need to have completed and processed by certain deadline dates. You’ve taken on this self imposed leadership position over individuals who have completed higher levels of education than you’ve achieved. These same co-workers have also garnered just as much experience working at other companies. You wear your job title on your sleeve, but you aren’t willing to actually do the work that is attached to your position.
2. YOU’VE TAKEN CREDIT FOR TASKS YOU DID NOT COMPLETE – Often times, it’s other staff members who have had to show you how to use the new programs, software and other equipment. You’ve grown so comfortable with the tools and resources that were used years ago, that you’ve never adapted to the system updates. As a result, you’ve been unable to effectively contribute to the projects that have been assigned by the higher ups. However, you’re the first person to volunteer to turn in the completed projects, as to receive credit for the organization and presentation of each assignment.
1. YOU IGNORE ALL HAPPY HOUR INVITATIONS & OTHER OUT OF OFFICE ACTIVITIES – You love being the center of attention inside of the office, but you’ve made it perfectly clear that you don’t want anything to do with your co-workers or boss after work hours. When everyone is going out for cocktails and wings on a Friday evening to celebrate someone’s promotion or new job offer, you’re the first to say, “oh…I have a doctors appointment”, or “wait…I have to pick up my son from daycare”. Everyone knows that you’re lying to simply get out of attending the out of office functions, especially since you don’t have children. Even during times when everyone has donated a dollar or two to purchase a wedding gift or flowers for a co-worker who lost a family member, you opt out of contributing anything. You don’t enjoy socializing with your co-workers outside of the office, but you will certainly make their lives a living hell while on the job.
As you pack your bags at the end of each day and unplug the portable heater that’s not allowed and hidden beneath your desk, you don’t even realize that you’ve alienated everyone sitting around you. You’ve become so set in your poor professional ways that much of what you do and don’t do in the office is acceptable as far as you’re concerned. The vice president of the company thinks the world of you and his supporting staff simply follows his lead. As a result, you’ll never be reprimanded for your bad office habits and that’s the only reason your co-workers need to hate your incompetent guts.
A “Thirst Trap” is created when an individual uploads a scantily clad photo of themselves online with the purpose of drawing attention to their face or body parts — but at the same time appearing to be oblivious to the actual surface intent of the post. Often times, the bait is laid before a large group of Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Vine, Snapchat and tumblr users. Usually, the subject is standing half naked in their bathroom mirror beneath a pointless caption that reads, “God I’m glad you allowed me to see myself for who I truly am”. Clearly, the focus of the selfie is to show off one’s thick thighs, abs or barely covered bulge. However, pairing God and his “glory” into the upload is a calculated attempt to convince the viewing audience that they themselves should feel guilty for now staring at the subject’s body instead of embracing the ridiculous, non-related message. Those unaware of the key elements involved in luring the attention of internet voyeurs, often fall prey to the scheme by then liking or commenting the pic, and later following the person highlighted in the photograph. Male celebrities including, The Game, August Alsina, Lil Fizz and John Legend have all recently used the power of social media to trap the thirst of their adoring fans.
However, if you are going to follow in the footsteps of these studs, stars and heartthrobs, there are 5 things to keep in mind as you set your own, online thirst trap…
FRAME YOURSELF ENGAGED IN A NATURAL ACTIVITY – One of the best ways to capture the attention of onlookers, is to position yourself involved in a daily routine. One of the easiest and most conventional methods of framing yourself in a very common scene is to stand in the kitchen pretending to cook first thing in the morning. Everyone subconsciously pairs the act of preparing breakfast, with the cook still wearing the very skimpy loungewear that they slept in the night before. If you are standing in front of the stove, wearing nothing but a pair of thermal bottoms and holding a spatula over the skillet, the scene appears to be very natural. It then makes sense to the viewer why you would be photographed while adorned in these clingy, paper-thin long johns — revealing your personal, side order of pancakes and sausage links.
CREATE A QUICK, ONE-LINE CAPTION – In setting the perfect “thirst trap” it becomes your job to convince your viewers and followers that the focus of your photo is totally different than the obvious intent. If you’re going to post a photo where you’re turned to the side and wearing a tight pair of jeans, shorts, compression pants or even underwear, it’s obvious that the viewer is supposed to focus on the plump, round shape of your squat heavy cakes. Right? However, in your attempt to appear oblivious to the display of your backside, your one-line caption should comment on a different object or thought associated with the photo. Your caption could say something trivial like, “so glad I’m still able to fit into my favorite pair of jeans”, or… “did not think Id be able to stand up straight today after the terrible fall I experienced yesterday”. Somehow, your caption has to allude to the fact that “you have no idea” that people would actually be looking at or commenting upon your real, intended focus of the “thirst trap” photo — that backside.
HIGHLIGHT SHAPE OVER SKIN – One of the best ways to garner the surface attention of your intended target is to be sexy, without crossing that line of appearing sloshy. You want to place the attention of the social media voyeurs on the feature that you’re most proud of or the body part you’ve been focused on the hardest during your workouts. Instead of simply posing in the mirror wearing no shirt or no pants, select a clothing item that will cling around the form of your pecs or massive thighs. Sometimes, the allure of someone’s body is when the viewer is able to imagine the skin beneath the outer layers. Remember, the purpose of a thirst trap is to present an image or photo that isn’t blatantly sexual. If you choose the perfect garment or accessory to bring attention to your favorable parts, you’re able to show off those curves without appearing desperate for public praise.
LOOK AWAY FROM THE CAMERA – Thirst Traps are best achieved when the subject appears to be completely naive to the fact that their photo is being taken. Sure, you’re intentionally wearing light gray sweatpants to show off your eggplant and a pair of NIKE or ADDIDAS flip flops to highlight your recently pedicured toes. Of course you’re aware of the fact that meat lovers and others with foot fetishes are going to be sent into frenzy once the pic is uploaded to instagram or tumblr or facebook. However, it becomes your job to divert your visible eye line towards another subject. Be sure that you’re staring down at your dog that is hopping up onto your left leg or stare straight into the open refrigerator as if you’re really looking for something good to eat. Never actually be captured staring at the body part or object that is being used to seal the voyeurs gaze.
BE SPORADIC & SPARING — It becomes very important that your intended audience not become use to seeing you half dressed, half naked, barely covered or exposing yourself on a regular basis. The visual trapping loses its power and shine once your followers become use to seeing the same lame photo posted every other day. You have to be willing to switch up the order, style and routine of your postings in order for your trick to actually work. The sitting on the side of the bed with white sheets ever-so-slightly covering your frontal area photo, only works when it’s posted first thing in the morning alongside your regular quotes, memes, dinner plate pics, close-up selfies and fully clothed, active shots. Uploading and sharing the same, “look at me naked” pic everyday or even once each week can become overdone and tired.
The modern day selfie, avatar or default pic is designed to highlight an individuals more attractive, physical features. Often times, social media networks exist as the platform where people set the bait – featuring themselves in their most edited and filtered forms. Posting a photo online where one is clearly drawing attention to their skin and other surgically enhanced body parts has become a normal part of marketing and pop culture. Some people abstain from engaging in the strip, snap and upload activities, while others continue to successfully draw the attention of new and returning followers by setting their very own, social media “Thirst Traps”.
The ‘good guy’ is often the man who meets the conventional standards of success. He has built a substantial career, graduated from a four year university, owns a home, associates with the creme de la creme and honors the sanctity of his private life. His photos on Facebook are locked and inclusive of shots from family reunions, holiday gatherings and beach vacations with his frat brothers. His tweets are minimal and include nothing more than FourSquare check ins at the gym, grocery store or his favorite, chain restaurants. He ‘looks good on paper’, but isn’t necessarily the most striking beauty amongst a crowd. His outward demeanor serves proof that he was raised in a home where poise and decorum were valued and expected of him on a daily basis. The ‘good guy’ is a man who treats his friends like extended siblings, and his romantic interests like treasured jewels. He wears his heart on his sleeve, hence the reason it is often stabbed, misused and broken. Good guys spend a lot of time alone; guarded, engaged with themselves and saturated by their own thoughts. Most of these sensitive creatures have found the peace of mind that many others rigorously chase. They enjoy preparing dinner for themselves and spending an evening drinking wine in front of their flat screen. Good guys find solace in working out to build their bodies and reading a good book to fuel their minds.
Their most difficult challenge, however, is meeting someone of interest without losing themselves in the dating and relationship process.
Since good guys often spend a lot of extra time with themselves, it’s a big, personal deal when they open their hearts and home to the presence of another individual. They don’t usually engage in casual, physical encounters. In the event that someone entices their sexual urges, it becomes difficult for the good guy to win in the game of ‘friends with benefits’. His loins are attached to love. Physical acts that occur between him and a partner are valued as more than one, lustful night or an intense, sheet session. His feelings are intertwined with the lines of a cinematic love story. He falls hard. Unfortunately, our good guy is often hurt and disappointed by the back burner treatment he receives from those whom he makes a priority in his romantic life.
The good guy has a tendency to smother his partners with too much attention, too soon. He expects his lover to dedicate an immense amount of time to him; behind closed doors and publicly by his side as well. When he gets involved with someone, that individual suddenly becomes the object of his daily plans, downtime and desires. Many people are turned off by these behaviors.
The good guy must learn how to balance the intensity of his unyielding habit to fall fast. It becomes important that he not ignore all of the activities and personal interests that filled his daily regime before the new individual entered his life. Good guys must not surrender their personal time or priorities to immediately cater to all of the wants or needs of their partner. Once the good guy becomes so engrossed in who he is dating or romantically attached to, the good guy loses sight of what created his happiness and contentment while he was single and alone. This becomes detrimental to his mental and emotional stability.
If the other individual decides to leave or create distance in the relationship, the good guy is left having to rediscover himself. This process makes it even more difficult for the heart to then heal as a result of the breakup. Good guys don’t have to finish last. They simply have to remember to put themselves first while adding their romantic relationships to their already fulfilled lifestyle.
Many of us make the mistake of becoming so absorbed with our new lovers that we forget how to live our lives without including them in our thoughts or daily plans. Good guys especially must force themselves to still hang out with their friends and co-workers once they have fallen in love. The time they spend in the gym, at the mall, with their mothers or seeing a movie, must sometimes be considered ‘me time’. If the good guy isn’t routinely engaged in tasks that frame his sense of self, he isn’t able to maintain a conscious line between his romantic life and who he is outside of his relationship.
People tend to interact with the special men in their lives quite differently than the ways in which they play, cut-up and let loose with their friends. We create a different set of rules for how we should spend time with our partner and that can make him feel like the outsider. He sees the level of fun that you engage in amongst your core circle, as he also overhears you replaying those joyful moments on the phone when you’re cackling with your BFF. Your man knows how much you value the social life that you’ve created outside of the space that has been established with him. So, it isn’t necessarily that your man is boring or that he has lost his ability to enjoy life alongside you. Sometimes, it’s that you make him feel that “all he is”…is your dreadful, b-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d.
You must remember that the couple that plays together often stays together — longer than those existing around them. One or both persons involved in this type of unique relationship treats the other like a TRUE FRIEND. These two individuals have made the conscious decision to hangout with one another like homeboys naturally would, as opposed to placing traditional restrictions on their partnership. They smoke together on the couch while playing video games and binging on fast foods. The couple that plays together goes hiking on Saturday mornings and falls asleep having tickle fights on Saturday night. These two are able to openly compliment other people’s bodies and physical attributes without the other blowing up in a jealous rage. They’re able to spend an entire day at the amusement park together – riding roller coasters, sharing funnel cake, watching the dolphin show and not becoming irritated with one another while standing in long, hot lines that wrap around the game booths. These couples actively and consciously incorporate one another into their most preferred activities.
And they’re so absolutely cute together, that they’ve even begun to look, dress and sound alike.
Often times, people complain to me about how incredibly draining their boyfriends have become over the years. I receive countless messages or emails from men and women who are involved in relationships where their boyfriend has no desire to leave the house on the weekends or to get up from the couch on his other days off. Many of us then take the approach of simply tossing our hands up and making weekly plans with our friends – leaving our man home alone to eat, sleep and be with his dry and ‘boring’ self.
IT’S TIME YOU STIMULATE YOUR MAN BACK INTO ACTION… LETS PLAY!
TEXT & TALK TO HIM AS IF YOU’VE KNOWN HIM SINCE THE SECOND GRADE – The special language and verbal routines that we have developed with our friends usually define the reasons why we enjoy talking or texting with them so often. When we are telling our friends a story or explaining ourselves otherwise, we often don’t have to share all of the same drawn out details that we would divulge in revealing the same tale to a stranger. It’s because your friends know and understand exactly what certain words, phrases and inside jokes mean — even if no one else in the room has a clue what you’re talking about. Throughout every single day, we are sending our friends photos, screen captures, gifs and links to music or other breaking stories while they are sitting at work or dragging themselves through midday classes. It’s a constant back and forth of, “LOOK AT THIS!” and “LISTEN TO THAT REAL QUICK!”—
Well, your man should be afforded the same luxury of comfortable, casual communication. We don’t always have to be discussing serious relationship issues or other problems when we talk to our man. Make him feel that he is as much your friend, as he is your romantic partner. Engage him in the same upbeat, nothing-really-but-I-had-to-tell-you type conversationsthat you have with the people you’ve known forever. Don’t tame your language or censor your texts simply because you don’t think your man will understand or “get” what you’re trying to say. The more you reel him in to your free, fun and friendly language, the easier it will be to avoid what seems like the booooring, “what you doing” conversations throughout the day. You may be surprised by what comes out of his mouth once he feels totally comfortable to say exactly what he’s thinking.
CHOOSE AN ACTIVITY THAT HE LIKES TO DO EVEN IF YOU HATE IT – Allow your boyfriend to make the plans, even if they are thrown together at the last minute. Go along with his impulsive decision to do wall climbing or to go look at dogs at the pet adoption center. His interests do not necessarily have to make sense or appeal to you right away. Simply agree to be with him when he is engaging in activities that make him feel good about himself and his life. Even if he doesn’t verbalize it, your presence enhances his enjoyment.
The more often he sees you compromising by agreeing to spend time with him doing things he loves, the greater the possibility that he will leave the sofa once in a while to sit alongside you on the opening night of that romantic comedy he would never, normally watch.
INTRODUCE HIM TO NEW PEOPLE OR OTHER COUPLES WITH SIMILAR INTERESTS – If your man doesn’t have a slew of friends of his own, introducing him to other couples may help him form associations and ties that will encourage him to want to be more social and outgoing.
You have to keep in mind that part of the reason why you were drawn to your man in the beginning is possibly because he is so reserved, laid-back and rather low key. He wasn’t on everyone’s radar. People didn’t automatically know who he was when his name was brought up in conversation — and you liked that. He may not be placed in too many situations outside of his job where he is forced to engage with other people beyond you and his family members. If you set up very specific situations where you and your boyfriend are engaging with couples of similar interests, it could possibly help him find comfort in getting out of the living room and out into the world.
SEDUCE HIM – Just because you are already familiar with your man’s body does not mean that you shouldn’t use your lips and fingers to remind him just how much you enjoy the different parts of his physique. Make him feel the way he does when he’s watching porn in the middle of the day or late at night when you’ve ditched him to be out in the streets. Every bedroom scene with you should be different from the last for a few weeks. If you can reignite that sexually expressive side of your boyfriend, maybe he will begin to initiate more exciting, headboard moments. Often times, he is simply following your lead. If you haven’t presented new sheet tricks, he may be a bit apprehensive about exploring the desires he has been keeping secret. Your man may even suggest that you two invite one of the new couples you’ve been hanging out with to join the newfound fun. I mean, it’s totally up to the both of you to create those very specific boundaries. By no means am I suggesting that you have to open your bedroom door to outsiders in order to enjoy pillow playtime as a couple.
Your boyfriend is as dry and draining as you have allowed him to be. The BOTH of you have become very familiar with each other, as the relationship has taken a steady course. Yes, you have become less surprised by his behaviors and character traits. You are as settled into the routine of your interactions with him as he is settled into his interactions with you. Stimulate him into rediscovering that exciting, more appealing side to his personality by going along with activities that he enjoys engaging in, introducing him to new couples with similar interests, seducing him as if the two of you have just met, and actually talking to him like he’s just another friend in your iPhone, group chat. Don’t simply complain about your boyfriend being boring if you aren’t willing to heighten the fun in the relationship by playing with him as if this is the first time that you two have met.
We all have a guy existing in our lives who is famous for sending that annoying and cliche, “HEY STRANGER” text almost immediately after he has bumped into us out at a party or has recently seen the attention we’re receiving from strangers in the comment section beneath our new, online postings. He is someone who we have been attracted to for a very long time – a guy who we’ve been texting, talking to, or spending on and off time with for almost a year. This man is fully aware of the intimate and romantic feelings we have for him. There have been at least three or four occasions where he too has expressed his mutual love or care. The issue, however, is that this guy has not made the necessary sacrifices or taken the appropriate steps to secure a solid relationship with us. He no longer makes a point to talk to us frequently. He isn’t affectionate unless we are actually in his presence. And it’s pretty obvious that he is still entertaining the company of people who he knows are interested in being more than simply his damn friend.
As a result of the months of inconsistencies, you haven’t cut him off completely, but you no longer initiate the communication or make advances to reassure him of your feelings. He responds to your calculated distance by making snide remarks saying – “I see your groupies leaving kissy faces under all of your half naked pictures”, or…
“I see you got yourself new, little dates, huh”?
You roll your eyes and laugh to yourself in response. In your mind, you know that you aren’t phased by the public attention, but the fact that he is affected by the assumption that you’ve moved on, makes you feel accomplished.
When you first met this guy months and months ago, he made you feel that he was open to the possibility of a solid relationship. The two of you actually went on a series of dates together that eventually turned into regular, face-to-face interactions. There was even a period of time when he would stay at your place for days and cook, lay around, give you the keys to his car to run errands and even offer to pay for everything. The beginning stages of the relationship felt really good.
Now, this man only seems to give you attention when it’s convenient for him – like, it’s 8:45 on a Sunday night and he’s driving home tipsy from some rooftop, day party. You haven’t seen or heard from him the entire weekend, but now that he’s mildly intoxicated and aroused, he’s texting or calling asking if he can come over. You respond with a bold, “HELL NO!” — and out of nowhere, he starts crying. It’s clearly the alcohol, and you know it. Now you’re receiving a series of apologies and the, “I’m so sorry for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated” speech — more of his pointless, “I really do love you. I care about you so much. Please don’t do this to us”, lyrics.
You are sitting on the opposite end of his emotional outburst somewhat feeling guilty about your attempts to create distance from him. On the contrary, a part of you feels overjoyed by the fact that the plotting and your actions to take control of this situation have brought this man to his knees. You’re feeling vindicated of all guilt after thinking about the ways in which this man has kept you dangling on a rope for so long. However, the other side of you that loves and misses this man wants to immediately forgive and reassure him that you aren’t going anywhere.
AVOID MAKING THIS SAME MISTAKE FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME…
Guys are very much governed by the instinct to avoid loss. When they see how desired you are by other men when the two of you happen to be out at the same party or they’re reading flirtatious comments beneath your newest selfie, it can create a sense of panic. Many of the actions guys take or impulsive decisions they make to FINALLY HIT YOU UP, stem from a desire to own and hold on to people or things that he believes increases his personal value.
He sends that “HEY STRANGER” text as a selfish ploy to keep you grounded and isolated in his life. He is well aware of the fact that the only reason he hasn’t seen you or heard from you is because he hasn’t made an attempt to do so.
No, he isn’t willing to give you the love and affection that you deserve, but he also doesn’t want you seeking that level of attention from someone else.
When a man begins crying and pleading for you to not leave him, after his behavior has forced you to walk out of the door, it’s because he is scared for the first time. However, he isn’t scared of losing you as a person as much as he is afraid of losing someone who he felt belonged to only him. Its his desire for ownership that has taken over his emotions and psyche. During all of those days and weeks and months that you were calling and texting and reaching out to him constantly, he had no reason to fear the thoughts of your absence. This man genuinely felt that he no longer had to put forth effort to maintain your attention because you were not ever going to move on from him. His recent goal has been to say or do just enough, the BARE MINIMUM, to convince you to stay put… and for the most part, you have.
So — NO, you should not take him seriously at this point, for it is merely his ego that he is protecting, and NOT your heart or your desire to exist in a committed relationship alongside him.