People tend to interact with the special men in their lives quite differently than the ways in which they play, cut-up and let loose with their friends. We create a different set of rules for how we should spend time with our partner and that can make him feel like the outsider. He sees the level of fun that you engage in amongst your core circle, as he also overhears you replaying those joyful moments on the phone when you’re cackling with your BFF. Your man knows how much you value the social life that you’ve created outside of the space that has been established with him. So, it isn’t necessarily that your man is boring or that he has lost his ability to enjoy life alongside you. Sometimes, it’s that you make him feel that “all he is”…is your dreadful, b-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d.
You must remember that the couple that plays together often stays together — longer than those existing around them. One or both persons involved in this type of unique relationship treats the other like a TRUE FRIEND. These two individuals have made the conscious decision to hangout with one another like homeboys naturally would, as opposed to placing traditional restrictions on their partnership. They smoke together on the couch while playing video games and binging on fast foods. The couple that plays together goes hiking on Saturday mornings and falls asleep having tickle fights on Saturday night. These two are able to openly compliment other people’s bodies and physical attributes without the other blowing up in a jealous rage. They’re able to spend an entire day at the amusement park together – riding roller coasters, sharing funnel cake, watching the dolphin show and not becoming irritated with one another while standing in long, hot lines that wrap around the game booths. These couples actively and consciously incorporate one another into their most preferred activities.
And they’re so absolutely cute together, that they’ve even begun to look, dress and sound alike.
Often times, people complain to me about how incredibly draining their boyfriends have become over the years. I receive countless messages or emails from men and women who are involved in relationships where their boyfriend has no desire to leave the house on the weekends or to get up from the couch on his other days off. Many of us then take the approach of simply tossing our hands up and making weekly plans with our friends – leaving our man home alone to eat, sleep and be with his dry and ‘boring’ self.
IT’S TIME YOU STIMULATE YOUR MAN BACK INTO ACTION… LETS PLAY!
TEXT & TALK TO HIM AS IF YOU’VE KNOWN HIM SINCE THE SECOND GRADE – The special language and verbal routines that we have developed with our friends usually define the reasons why we enjoy talking or texting with them so often. When we are telling our friends a story or explaining ourselves otherwise, we often don’t have to share all of the same drawn out details that we would divulge in revealing the same tale to a stranger. It’s because your friends know and understand exactly what certain words, phrases and inside jokes mean — even if no one else in the room has a clue what you’re talking about. Throughout every single day, we are sending our friends photos, screen captures, gifs and links to music or other breaking stories while they are sitting at work or dragging themselves through midday classes. It’s a constant back and forth of, “LOOK AT THIS!” and “LISTEN TO THAT REAL QUICK!”—
Well, your man should be afforded the same luxury of comfortable, casual communication. We don’t always have to be discussing serious relationship issues or other problems when we talk to our man. Make him feel that he is as much your friend, as he is your romantic partner. Engage him in the same upbeat, nothing-really-but-I-had-to-tell-you type conversationsthat you have with the people you’ve known forever. Don’t tame your language or censor your texts simply because you don’t think your man will understand or “get” what you’re trying to say. The more you reel him in to your free, fun and friendly language, the easier it will be to avoid what seems like the booooring, “what you doing” conversations throughout the day. You may be surprised by what comes out of his mouth once he feels totally comfortable to say exactly what he’s thinking.
CHOOSE AN ACTIVITY THAT HE LIKES TO DO EVEN IF YOU HATE IT – Allow your boyfriend to make the plans, even if they are thrown together at the last minute. Go along with his impulsive decision to do wall climbing or to go look at dogs at the pet adoption center. His interests do not necessarily have to make sense or appeal to you right away. Simply agree to be with him when he is engaging in activities that make him feel good about himself and his life. Even if he doesn’t verbalize it, your presence enhances his enjoyment.
The more often he sees you compromising by agreeing to spend time with him doing things he loves, the greater the possibility that he will leave the sofa once in a while to sit alongside you on the opening night of that romantic comedy he would never, normally watch.
INTRODUCE HIM TO NEW PEOPLE OR OTHER COUPLES WITH SIMILAR INTERESTS – If your man doesn’t have a slew of friends of his own, introducing him to other couples may help him form associations and ties that will encourage him to want to be more social and outgoing.
You have to keep in mind that part of the reason why you were drawn to your man in the beginning is possibly because he is so reserved, laid-back and rather low key. He wasn’t on everyone’s radar. People didn’t automatically know who he was when his name was brought up in conversation — and you liked that. He may not be placed in too many situations outside of his job where he is forced to engage with other people beyond you and his family members. If you set up very specific situations where you and your boyfriend are engaging with couples of similar interests, it could possibly help him find comfort in getting out of the living room and out into the world.
SEDUCE HIM – Just because you are already familiar with your man’s body does not mean that you shouldn’t use your lips and fingers to remind him just how much you enjoy the different parts of his physique. Make him feel the way he does when he’s watching porn in the middle of the day or late at night when you’ve ditched him to be out in the streets. Every bedroom scene with you should be different from the last for a few weeks. If you can reignite that sexually expressive side of your boyfriend, maybe he will begin to initiate more exciting, headboard moments. Often times, he is simply following your lead. If you haven’t presented new sheet tricks, he may be a bit apprehensive about exploring the desires he has been keeping secret. Your man may even suggest that you two invite one of the new couples you’ve been hanging out with to join the newfound fun. I mean, it’s totally up to the both of you to create those very specific boundaries. By no means am I suggesting that you have to open your bedroom door to outsiders in order to enjoy pillow playtime as a couple.
Your boyfriend is as dry and draining as you have allowed him to be. The BOTH of you have become very familiar with each other, as the relationship has taken a steady course. Yes, you have become less surprised by his behaviors and character traits. You are as settled into the routine of your interactions with him as he is settled into his interactions with you. Stimulate him into rediscovering that exciting, more appealing side to his personality by going along with activities that he enjoys engaging in, introducing him to new couples with similar interests, seducing him as if the two of you have just met, and actually talking to him like he’s just another friend in your iPhone, group chat. Don’t simply complain about your boyfriend being boring if you aren’t willing to heighten the fun in the relationship by playing with him as if this is the first time that you two have met.
We all have a guy existing in our lives who is famous for sending that annoying and cliche, “HEY STRANGER” text almost immediately after he has bumped into us out at a party or has recently seen the attention we’re receiving from strangers in the comment section beneath our new, online postings. He is someone who we have been attracted to for a very long time – a guy who we’ve been texting, talking to, or spending on and off time with for almost a year. This man is fully aware of the intimate and romantic feelings we have for him. There have been at least three or four occasions where he too has expressed his mutual love or care. The issue, however, is that this guy has not made the necessary sacrifices or taken the appropriate steps to secure a solid relationship with us. He no longer makes a point to talk to us frequently. He isn’t affectionate unless we are actually in his presence. And it’s pretty obvious that he is still entertaining the company of people who he knows are interested in being more than simply his damn friend.
As a result of the months of inconsistencies, you haven’t cut him off completely, but you no longer initiate the communication or make advances to reassure him of your feelings. He responds to your calculated distance by making snide remarks saying – “I see your groupies leaving kissy faces under all of your half naked pictures”, or…
“I see you got yourself new, little dates, huh”?
You roll your eyes and laugh to yourself in response. In your mind, you know that you aren’t phased by the public attention, but the fact that he is affected by the assumption that you’ve moved on, makes you feel accomplished.
When you first met this guy months and months ago, he made you feel that he was open to the possibility of a solid relationship. The two of you actually went on a series of dates together that eventually turned into regular, face-to-face interactions. There was even a period of time when he would stay at your place for days and cook, lay around, give you the keys to his car to run errands and even offer to pay for everything. The beginning stages of the relationship felt really good.
Now, this man only seems to give you attention when it’s convenient for him – like, it’s 8:45 on a Sunday night and he’s driving home tipsy from some rooftop, day party. You haven’t seen or heard from him the entire weekend, but now that he’s mildly intoxicated and aroused, he’s texting or calling asking if he can come over. You respond with a bold, “HELL NO!” — and out of nowhere, he starts crying. It’s clearly the alcohol, and you know it. Now you’re receiving a series of apologies and the, “I’m so sorry for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated” speech — more of his pointless, “I really do love you. I care about you so much. Please don’t do this to us”, lyrics.
You are sitting on the opposite end of his emotional outburst somewhat feeling guilty about your attempts to create distance from him. On the contrary, a part of you feels overjoyed by the fact that the plotting and your actions to take control of this situation have brought this man to his knees. You’re feeling vindicated of all guilt after thinking about the ways in which this man has kept you dangling on a rope for so long. However, the other side of you that loves and misses this man wants to immediately forgive and reassure him that you aren’t going anywhere.
AVOID MAKING THIS SAME MISTAKE FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME…
Guys are very much governed by the instinct to avoid loss. When they see how desired you are by other men when the two of you happen to be out at the same party or they’re reading flirtatious comments beneath your newest selfie, it can create a sense of panic. Many of the actions guys take or impulsive decisions they make to FINALLY HIT YOU UP, stem from a desire to own and hold on to people or things that he believes increases his personal value.
He sends that “HEY STRANGER” text as a selfish ploy to keep you grounded and isolated in his life. He is well aware of the fact that the only reason he hasn’t seen you or heard from you is because he hasn’t made an attempt to do so.
No, he isn’t willing to give you the love and affection that you deserve, but he also doesn’t want you seeking that level of attention from someone else.
When a man begins crying and pleading for you to not leave him, after his behavior has forced you to walk out of the door, it’s because he is scared for the first time. However, he isn’t scared of losing you as a person as much as he is afraid of losing someone who he felt belonged to only him. Its his desire for ownership that has taken over his emotions and psyche. During all of those days and weeks and months that you were calling and texting and reaching out to him constantly, he had no reason to fear the thoughts of your absence. This man genuinely felt that he no longer had to put forth effort to maintain your attention because you were not ever going to move on from him. His recent goal has been to say or do just enough, the BARE MINIMUM, to convince you to stay put… and for the most part, you have.
So — NO, you should not take him seriously at this point, for it is merely his ego that he is protecting, and NOT your heart or your desire to exist in a committed relationship alongside him.
There is something very attractive and quite appealing about a guy who carries a little extra bulk in his upper body — obviously heavy below the waist as well. He’s not huge and blubbery or obese with triple chins and gigantic thighs that rub together when he walks. However, he may have chipmunk cheeks, a few extra flabs on the sides and a nice, rounded belly. His meaty physique matches his semi masculine bravado. He walks with dominant force and commands the attention of his lovers. The oak moss notes and herbaceous blends of his various colognes linger in your clothes hours after one of his teddy bear hugs. And while he is fully aware of the fact that his physical form is chunkier than some other men in your life, he doesn’t stress himself about dieting or working out religiously to fit the social mold. He’s proud to be a formidable, card-carrying member of #TeamThick.
He is considered to be chubby, but strong. His strength comes in the form of his ability to be comfortable with the extra skin he is in. He isn’t embarrassed about his weight and therefore exudes a confidence that contributes greatly to #TeamThick’s sex appeal. People are drawn to his self-assured personality, for it’s his optimism that encourages his friends, associates and dates to live a fuller life. Contrary to popular belief, thicker dudes are often happier and more confident in themselves than their svelte and more muscular counterparts. They aren’t overly concerned about maintaining chiseled pecs and hard biceps in order to garner public acceptance. As a result, the upbeat, positive energy that these men exude day to day seems to attract the attention of those who are looking for “more to love”. Being slightly overweight in this day and time no longer classifies an individual as being unwanted or undesirable.
More people are actually beginning to seek thicker men as potential boyfriends,
and here are FIVE reasons why…
THICK MEN LAST LONGER IN BED – Recent scientific studies have proven that overweight men who have plump tummies also maintain a female sex hormone that floats through their bodies called, Estradiol. The hormone actually works to slow down the process of reaching an orgasm. This means that when thick men are engaging in sexual intercourse, they are able to perform longer than slimmer men without reaching their climax as quickly. If your sex drive allows you to go non-stop rounds in the bedroom, your thick man will more than likely be able to keep up with you. However, you may simply need to climb on top midway through so he isn’t doing all of the HARD work. (pun intended)
MORE UNDERSTANDING & ACCEPTING – Dating a chubby or heavier man can work wonders for your self-esteem. Most often, a guy who has battled with his own weight and body issues isn’t going to criticize you or the other people around him for gaining a few extra pounds. Thick men aren’t necessarily monitoring your food portions or calorie intake if they aren’t measuring their own. You can feel free to eat your entire meal while out at dinner and then raid the cabinets for goodies and snacks while the two of you are lounging around the house after your night out. He is never going to question your cravings or make you feel bad for filling out in certain areas.
MENTALLY HEALTHIER & HAPPIER THAN MANY – While it is certainly true that bigger people suffer from bouts of sadness, insecurities or depression as it pertains to their physical body, a lot of thick men are rather confident in whom they are as a whole. Thicker men aren’t necessarily spending their days judging themselves or others for shallow reasons. They’ve more than likely experienced periods in life of being the one who was victimized, teased or taunted for surface reasons. As a result, their sense of happiness stems from now focusing on the more organic elements that create their every day. These men are as active and on the go as their more toned friends or muscular associates. Thicker guys are simply happy to be in the presence of others who love them and enjoy spending time tasting the pleasures that life has to offer.
HE’S A CUSHION – Both physically and emotionally, a thick man will bring layers of comfort to your life. Not only does his soft body provide the best comfy, cuddle moments, but a thicker dude is willing to open his heart to romance and other relationship opportunities with less force. He realizes that he doesn’t have the ideal, gym body and he knows that you have looked beyond that fact to truly connect with him. As a result, your teddy bear wants nothing more than to make you feel as special and chosen as you have done for him.
UNDENIABLE SEX APPEAL – Quite simply, the draw of a thick man is his plump, protective, physical shield. He isn’t toned, but his body shape is typically that of a traditional, alpha-male. Being in his presence can make his dates and other romantic partners feel safe, guarded and free. Over the years, his sex appeal has developed from his ability to highlight his most positive and attractive features. Aside from his handsome face and somewhat silly personality, a thick man is often dressed well, groomed appropriately and always dashed in an alluring scent. He does exercise once in a while, travels when he can afford to and volunteers his time to coach a community football team or to work in his church kitchen on Sunday afternoons. He can be spontaneous, humorous, seductive and in charge of the life he lives.
To have a bulkier, chubbier man on your arm is to exist in the company of someone who is going to take care of your emotional and physical needs, first. He isn’t going to make you feel insecure about your body, your interests or your unyielding desire to make the relationship last. A physically heavier man will embrace your desire to have him all to yourself, as he is just as committed to keeping you in his life for the long haul. Your attraction to him as a person will make you second guess why you ran after the conventional, tatted, bearded, gym bunny types for so long. And while your friends may taunt or tease you for now being a “chubby chaser”, I guarantee that seeing your happiness will have them all standing in line to secure a man of their own from the sexy roster that comprises, #TeamThick.
People tend to enter into new, random relationships thinking they truly know the other individual if they’ve spent the night at the persons house six or seven times and happened to be sitting in the living room that one day the individuals mother stopped by to drop off a case of water. We get lost in the idea that we’ve officially met the family following a quick wave and pass through — therefore, securing our position as the new love interest. Realistically, a lot of teenagers, young adults and grown folks especially, prematurely enter into romantic situations hoping that a title and an update to their Facebook relationship status will cure their insecurities or loneliness. It seems that once some people establish a mutual attraction, they become all too willing to bypass the necessary process of learning who someone is beyond the first few table conversations that were had at TGIFridays. We fool ourselves into believing that if we’re able to sit on the phone with someone for five hours the first night of meeting and six hours the next, then somehow it’s destined that a strong bond will bloom. And while most people want to fall in love and build a life with someone special, three weeks may not be long enough to determine if your idea of “special” matches what this other person is willing or capable of offering.
There are SIX main reasons why people are willing to bypass the process of truly learning someone’s character and jumping head first into a new relationship…
BOREDOM & CONVENIENCE – Most people simply aren’t honest or clear about why they want a boyfriend in the first place. Too often, “having a boyfriend” in the minds of some, presents the opportunity to be driven to amusement parks, taken out to dinner and photographed in couple-pics that can be uploaded to social media. Relationships that are formed quickly and exist out-of-nowhere are sometimes used as a hobby. One or both individuals find that they have a lot of free, alone time to spare between their long days and lonelier nights. Adding a boyfriend or girlfriend into the daily routine is seen as a way to guarantee company during various personal and leisure tasks. If these two individuals know a lot of the same people or are already engaged in some of the same extra curricular activities, to them, it may really make sense to get together based solely upon their social connections.
There also exists this present day obsession with being deemed as the next online, “power couple’. Everyone wants their relationship to be visually seen and publicly hailed as the second coming of “Bey & Jay”. It simply becomes something cute-to-do for two people who photograph well alongside one another or who look good together on paper to conveniently slap that TITLE onto their misguided intentions.
RACING AGAINST THE CLOCK – As we continue to age, individuals begin to panic. People start examining their lives and personal accomplishments. Life begins to feel heavier and less eternal as we celebrate each birthday. Once people begin to hit their 30’s, the assumption that romantic love and a family unit aren’t going to happen, can become a frightening thought. These thoughts of, “everyone else has someone. why not me?” – can force an individual into attaching themselves to someone who under most circumstances, they’d never entertain. It’s a race to secure romantic love before our looks fade or we become less desirable to the same or opposite sex. After all, we are socially conditioned to believe that love after 30 is damn near impossible.
REBOUND – Individuals who find themselves most comfortable existing within the confines of a relationship aren’t usually willing to remain single long enough to give their hearts room to heal. Being single makes these types of people feel extremely lonely, insecure and afraid. In an effort to patch these empty feelings, attaching to anyone “half decent” and “cute” has become a routine. And especially for guys and young women who have never lived alone; having someone to lie with every night and to share their home with everyday becomes a safety net. It honestly doesn’t matter in some cases who the person is…as long as “somebody” is around.
FILLING A PARENTAL VOID – Some people prematurely enter into random relationships subconsciously in search of a mother or father figure. If an individual grew up in a household where the father was absent or the mother was always in the street, that person could potentially seek parental nurturing in their lovers. The lack of parental stability within the household where they were raised has left a void. In turn, these particular individuals look to others to play the role of the leadership figures they longed for as children. This is usually the saddest and most unfortunate reason why people latch onto relationships in their journey to cope with the world as adults. A lot of responsibility is placed on the lover, and it begins to create a major strain. A boyfriend cannot exist as a father figure and a girlfriend isn’t a mother. The relationship titles and duties aren’t interchangeable.
PEER PRESSURE & FAMILY INFLUENCE – Sometimes, we simply become overwhelmed by the constant questions from those closest to us regarding WHY we aren’t actively dating or involved with someone special. We get tired of being the only one to attend holiday dinners alone, or having to arrive to our company holiday party without a plus one. Even when the questions aren’t being thrown at us, it’s the constant feeling of being that ONE who is always “single”. We begin looking around at our friends, our cousins, god sisters, co-workers and siblings – thinking, DAMN! AM I REALLY THE ONLY ONE ON EARTH WHO ISN’T MARRIED OR AT LEAST ENGAGED?
And that pressure can definitely force people into searching for love and then settling for what comes the easiest and the quickest.
DESIRING INTIMACY & AFFECTION – Contrary to popular belief, everyone isn’t sleeping around with everyone. Some guys and girls truly can still count their sexual partners on one or two hands. In an effort to keep their body count low, you’ll find that certain folks get into relationships in order to feel that they’re engaging in sex with someone they know and feel comfortable with – if even on the surface. It makes some people feel better to be able to say that they’ve only had sex with the same person for the past few months to a year. Hopping fast into the new relationship then presents the opportunity for unlimited cuddles, kisses, hugs and booty without the guilt of sharing ones body with multiple partners.
Jumping into a relationship before truly knowing someone personally, learning them mentally and understanding who they are emotionally is truly a mistake. The first few weeks or month of the new relationship may be filled with passion and thrills. However, that level of excitement will only last for a short period of time – most often igniting the end of the quick pairing. It is very rare that these random, three-week, turnaround relationships survive the long haul. When the bond isn’t based on true love, the relationship has no real basis to exist or to survive.
Over the past few months, I have posted quite a few original thoughts, ideas, opinions and advice blurbs via my social media networks. This content has ranged from my praise of certain mainstream media entities like Jussie Smollett, to my personal joys of being able to spend 10 days on the beaches and sands of Los Angeles, California. I have tapped into the universal language of love — offering my point of view about how we engage with our romantic partners, as well as maintaining unhealthy attachments to our exes. I also began publicly sharing some of my favorite skin and body products; encouraging many of you to try samples of some of the cologne or face washes that I’ve recently sampled and purchased. Additionally, I recently dedicated #MCM (Male Crush Monday) to an idea, as opposed to a specific person. I outlined a fanciful day that we’d all ideally like to spend with the special man in our lives. And since many of you enjoy following me via Twitter, I’ve engaged in a series of live tweeting sessions while popular series such as FOX’s Empire and ABC’s How To Get Away With Murder, were airing. Obviously, my recent social media posts have resonated with my core audience because many individuals who may not follow me directly via social media, have sent messages of support and agreement after seeing my posts shared on their personal timelines from those who have been loyal to my online platform over the past seven years.
Receiving hundreds and sometimes a combined total of thousands of Likes, Shares, Retweets, Favorites, Reblogs and Comments via both of my FACEBOOK pages, INSTAGRAM, TWITTER and TUMBLR timelines, I selected a few of the most popular posts to be featured here at XemSays.com
JANUARY 14, 2015
THIS is absolutely what I hope to come home to each day — a partner whose artistic talents & creative passions are enough to keep him occupied in my absence. Someone who truly knows & understands the value of free, human expression VS. social standards of “success”. To me, there is nothing more attractive than a man who can paint his feelings, sing his pains, play his struggles, dance his truth, …recite his sacrifices, sculpt his frustrations, film his untold story, cook the goodness of his heart into meal form, photograph images reflecting his trials & triumphs, or simply creating from a rigid or raw place.
Power Couple. A unique bond between two individuals whose strengths compliment & build one another to higher spectrums of the world. The results of their private labor have tremendous influence over public spectators.
Sweet Valentine of mine…
JANUARY 18, 2015
KINDA DOPE! One of my supporters tweeted me last night to let me know that #eonline posted one of my #WhitneyMovie posts to their website alongside Amber Riley, Kathy Griffin & Sherri Shepherd. -
I know it’s not really a big deal, but it’s the first time in 7 years now that a mainstream media outlet has ever shared or posted any of my words. I think…
JANUARY 27, 2015
Laptop. Oatmeal. Tea.–
This is LITERALLY what dating me would be like. LOL! Indoors. Dimly Lit. You curled up with an attitude in that dark space on the right side of the bed. I’m working on a project. You’re wishing I had the desire to leave the damn house other than to go to the gym or to grab lunch from Whole Foods.
BUT I told you that I’m a homebody in the very beginning & you said you were cool with it. Right?
FEBRUARY 8, 2015
MY VALENTINES GIFT FROM YOU TO ME.
You all actually paid for these AVEDA products by clicking the links on my website last month. THANK YOU!
I’ve been wanting to get back on the Aveda acne prone facial regime for a while now, but everything is so damn expensive! Two weeks ago however, I decided to use some of my Google check to buy the OUTER PEACE FOAMING CLEANSER, the BOTANICAL KINETICS EXFOLIANT, the OUTER PEACE ACNE RELIEF LOTION and the OUTER PEACE COOLING MASQUE.
I started using Aveda products on my face after I came off the Accutane in 2006/2007. However, once I moved to California in 2008, I could no longer afford to drop $117 every 3 months to repurchase everything when I would run out.
It really feels GOOD to treat myself. I think we all should invest in taking better care of our skin, our teeth and our bodies as best we can. I just want to be healthier this year. I’ve been taking the ONE A DAY men’s health vitamin on a daily basis since November. My immune system is getting stronger. I haven’t been sick at all this winter. It’s crazy that I stopped taking essential vitamins in October 2012, but would pile my body with the creatine, protein supplements & muscle milk to aid my workout recovery. I am also now buying a new toothbrush every 3 months & using it EVERY morning + night. And I’ve also started using enamel protective toothpaste to combat all of the whitening products I’ve abused over the past few years.
It just makes me feel good to take better physical care of myself overall, as opposed to just going to the gym & convincing myself that’s enough. You know?…
FEBRUARY 19, 2015
Cicely Tyson is a screen siren! The epitome of dramatic performance. A matriarch of theatrical expression. #HTGAWM
and the Emmy goes to…
FEBRUARY 22, 2015
THIS IS THE SCENT YOU WANT FELLAS! and this is the cologne you want to buy for your special guy, ladies…
This Yves Saint Laurent was one of my birthday gifts from my darling sister. It smells like passion —
You know how you see a guy that is built like NATE LEAHY from “How To Get Away With Murder” & his dress clothes fit like a smooth, second skin? He walks by you in an open space & his sensual smell lingers until he & his size 12 wingtip shoes have turned the next corner…?
YEAH… that’s EXACTLY what this “Yves Saint Laurent” gives once it settles into the skin
I’m spraying it on now as I hustle out the door to head to DC for Ayana’s birthday brunch.
PURCHASE IT if you don’t already have it in your collection. I adore!
MARCH 11, 2015
For probably the first time in my entire life, I can honestly say there is a male character on mainstream television who looks like me, acts like me, speaks like me, carries himself the way I do, presents the same passion, and allows me to say that I SEE MYSELF IN HIM. I met Jussie briefly in April 2011 or April 2012 at the premiere of “The Skinny” in Washington, DC. Automatic good vibes & positive energy poured from his spirit. Seeing him each week portray Jamal Lyon on #EMPIRE reinforces to me that our stories, our trials & triumphs ARE significant within the scope of mainstream society. Jussie’s portrayal of an openly gay black man SEALS a lot of truth about our normal, everyday experiences. Nothing is watered down or overdone. It’s as if I’m watching my male friends & associates on screen; the REALITY that was hardly ever displayed publicly until now. I don’t know Jussie’s personal struggles, artistic journey or his full life story, but I know that his presence amongst the masses right now truly makes me PROUD…and excited about the promise of tomorrows possibilities. I am leaving for Los Angeles on March 21st & I fully intend to soak up every moment of opportunity that my trip presents. Every dream leads to a destination & we can’t be afraid to continue walking towards the space our good lord has carved out for each of us — individually.
LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO KEEP TRYING. BELIEVE IN YOUR TALENTS ENOUGH TO CONTINUE PUTTING THEM ON DISPLAY.
MARCH 16, 2015
young, black male teachers in our public school classrooms — not simply coaching the athletic teams or operating gym, but instructing our mathematics, science & English courses. I LOVE!
MARCH 17, 2015
the day that Whitley met Kinu for the first time. LOOK AT HER FACE! — but nothing tops the scene when Whitley was working as Dwayne & Ron’s maid. Dwayne’s mother (Patti Labelle) makes a surprise visit. Whitley pretends to not know Kinu’s name, so she starts calling her everything & anything beginning with a “K”. BWAHAHAHAHA! –
“I’ll have to ask you to wipe those less than petite feet on the mat before entering the apartment Kukilee.” I DIED!
MARCH 18, 2015
This finale was almost written as if the writers & producers didn’t expect the series to be green lit for a second season. #EmpireFOX
I enjoyed the show, but I felt that some of the storylines were rushed and given premature closure. You know?…
MARCH 23, 2015
Malibu Beach California – I am so incredibly happy and blessed to be here right now. I NEEDED THIS. Feeling so at peace & slightly removed from some of the “stuff”. You know? It wasn’t exactly beach weather today (LOL), but I couldn’t wait for the 90 degree temperatures coming Wednesday before I soaked this up.
MARCH 24, 2015
Embrace those rare moments in life when you are removed from the hustle and bustle of your daily routine in order to refuel your physical, mental and emotional self. God absolutely knows when you have had enough or are in need of a healthy replenishing. He watches us give and give and give of ourselves to the point where we feel depleted of all energy or focus. Sometimes, you just don’t want to be the strong, nurturing mother or the protective big brother or the outspoken co-…worker who puts management in their place or the perfect, listening friend who offers the best advice. Sometimes, you really just want to pack your damn bags, get on a plane, sit by the ocean and listen to Lenny Kravitz all day. And that is okay! –
We all deserve a break, regardless of our tasks or responsibilities. You can’t possibly be of service to others when you aren’t taking proper care of yourself. Make time for YOU, even when the money or opportunity to do so doesn’t “seem” to be there. It’s necessary.
MARCH 30, 2015
#MCM — not the individual. the idea. its the idea of you and your dude both calling out on a Monday morning to spend the day together. weekend was so hectic between running errands, attending your best friends baby shower, cleaning the house, taking your grandmother to church and doing dinner with your parents on Sunday evening that the start of the week has come too soon. it’s the sweet serenity of watching your dude sit peacefully on the couch — holding the puppy that …he purchased at the top of the new year. he and yall’s little pup pup are just getting in from their morning walk. you have filled the doggy bowl with dry food, filled the water dish with ice cubes and are just about done preparing breakfast on the stove. nothing fancy, but something you and your man will both enjoy. neither of you has made any plans to fill the unexpected day off but resting and relaxing is of the priority.
laying beside him even though he still smells like outside actually turns you on. he keeps playfully saying he’s going to get in the shower… “in five minutes”, but five minutes tips toes past the afternoon hours. by the time the two of you have awakened from a deep, day long sleep the sun has set. curtains & blinds still open. that annoying audio from the home screen of the Netflix movie you closed your eyes on is playing repeatedly. puppy nestled at the bottom of the bed waiting to be walked. you force yourself to sit up in the bed though you’ve lost all awareness of where you are or even what day it is. you look over at your man who is half passed out but pulling on you to now help him release. his left hand yanking your upper arm. right wrist hidden beneath his drawstring. his deep, groggy, muffled slur, “baby…real quick.” you somewhat wanting to, but totally distracted by everything that now has to be turned off, powered on and prepared before tomorrow morning. he turns over to face the wall and pulls the covers over his head. you nudge him in the back & tell him to walk the dog. in his deep, groggy, muffled slur, he replies… “in five minutes”.
he’s so use to you doing everything to keep his days and nights in order. this is how you’ve conditioned the relationship. its frustrating at times that he doesn’t offer to pitch in more often. however, you can say that he’s always active and engaged when you specifically ask or call upon him. sure, this has been the toughest two years of your life, but the challenge has been worth his presence. this is the man you love. this is the only man you think about calling out to simply lay with on a Monday morning. he is your #MCE — your male crush everyday.
APRIL 1, 2015
Seriously…. this “MURAD: Acne Spot Fast Fix” cream WORKS! — my face broke out terribly the week I was set to leave for California. I went to Sephora in hopes of finding the “Henriksen: Roll On Blemish Attack” cream I used during desperate situations like these in previous years. Well, come to find out, Sephora has STOPPED selling the product.
The lady assisting me suggested the MURAD treatment. She said many of her female clients loved the results. I felt I had no other choice but to trust her & try it. She suggested I start slow by using a thin layer of the cream on the problem areas once a day… and then gradually work up to 3 times over a 24 hour period. I didn’t have time to “work up to” anything. So, I started using the MURAD Acne Spot Fast Fix cream in the morning, during midday and night– immediately. LOVED the results. Very pleased. Skin had cleared up enough within 3 days that I could still take pictures while in LA & not edit them before posting. The MURAD is only $16.00 for the tube. So, if you’re experiencing breakouts right now with this change in season, DEFINITELY try the MURAD. Sometimes, even with our face washes, exfoliants & moisturizers, our skin will breakout for no good goddamn reason. It’s so ANNOYING — especially because it happens right before an important event or situation. You know? UGH!
Just thought I’d share.
APRIL 12, 2015
we all need to collectively unlearn and reject the idea that certain accomplishments only count if they’re achieved by a certain age or within a “normal” time frame.going through life at your own pace does NOT equate to laziness or failure.
there is no expiration date on graduating from college, securing a “good paying” job, existing in a romantic relationship or purchasing your first home — (if those are even your goals in the first place). it’s society that misleads us to believe that if we don’t have ‘it’ by THIS TIME, then OUR TIME has passed. it simply isn’t true.
APRIL 14, 2015
I want to fall in love again — with someone who will greet me before saying “good morning” to strangers on social media, with someone who likes me more than the “likes” they receive beneath pictures, with someone who doesn’t mind answering all of my questions in detail or choosing to stay in the house with me on weekends instead of running the damn streets. I want to fall in love again — with someone who misses me when I’m gone, but not so much that they attempt to fill my physical void with the presence of someone else’s flesh.
Don’t contemplate breaking up with me simply because I’ve been in a mood for the past few weeks & I can’t explain specifically why I’m so sad or annoyed. It’s not you. I’ve said that. Embrace me tighter in moments when I’m at my worst, as opposed to getting frustrated and publicly embarrassing us by getting caught out there being thotty.
I want to fall in love again — with someone special who believes that we possess the collective power to reach our potential & live our purpose together. Is it even possible? I simply want to fall in love again — with someone who believes that what we’re building is totally worth the try… a constant, repetitive, unyielding TRY. Never leave me. And hold my hand even when you can’t stand being around me. Please. Because I’m going to do all of the same for you.
APRIL 16, 2015
#TBT MOTHERS DAY 2014 —
Zaxembi & Zakiya
as my mother has gotten older, this lady has become reeeeal comfortable asking for very specific holiday & birthday gifts. mmmhmm. she use to just say, “I don’t want yall spending your money on me” — and we would OF COURSE get her something nice with cards as well. she’d be “surprised”, overjoyed & cry opening whatever we presented. HOWEVER… ever since we bought her that tablet or new luggage it was a few years ago, NOW she p…resents a gift REQUEST before every event. HA! she done already laid out EXACTLY the beach bag, surrong, matching hat and glasses she wants us to ORDER for Mother’s Day so she’ll have it for her boat trip in September. Zakiya is something else. I tell you. LOL!
– but this is also the same lady who would often set aside her own wants and needs to make sure we had every item placed on our Christmas, birthday and back-to-school lists. I was 16 years old before I discovered that she was dipping from bill money here or skipping hair appointments there to guarantee we had a few of the extras. I was blessed to be raised in a two parent household, but my father didn’t support or believe in the excess of westernized materialism. now, I fully understand why. however, as mothers have done since the beginning of time, Zakiya made our naive, youthful wishes a reality. as children, we rarely understand the SILENT SACRIFICES our moms make in order to frame our childhood as “comfortable” as possible. OUR MIRACLE WORKERS
– so yeah… Mothers Day is in only 3 weeks from this SUNDAY. start thinking about your plans NOW.
APRIL 17, 2015
If you don’t want your close friends or family members judging you for “trying to make things work” with a romantic partner, STOP discussing only the negative situations that frame your relationship. When you are telling your little stories, be sure to also talk about ALL of the shit you said and did over time to contribute to the messy circumstances. People only know what you share with them — and when you’re always painting your partner to be the villain, that’s exactly how your loved ones are going to perceive them. Blame yourself for others looking at you with the side eye for choosing to stay.
APRIL 22, 2015
HERE’S MY THING:
when you say, “ME AND MY EX ARE JUST FRIENDS”, that means to me — that your ex should be fully aware, accepting and respectful of your present, romantic relationships.
if you and your ex are “JUST FRIENDS” who communicate 3-4 times each week, there’s no reason why I can’t be in the room when the two of you are texting or talking. if you can hold conversations with your mother, cousins, your homeboys — Black, Big Mike & Lil Kevin while I’m sitting right be…side you, then don’t step out of the room or wait until I’m not around to converse with your ex.
if you and your ex are “JUST FRIENDS”, there should be nothing awkward or uncomfortable about you having the both of us in the same room, at the same damn time. why? because as adults, most of us look forward to introducing those we see as “just friends” to the individual we are seriously dating. most often, we want our loved ones to know and get along with the special, romantic partner in our lives. RIGHT?
if you feel so incredibly odd or weird bringing me around your ex who is “just a friend”, then it lets me know there are still feelings involved on your part and/or theirs as well. my ex and I can double date in public or behind closed doors because we ARE really “just friends” — genuinely happy to see the other involved in a new, healthy relationship.
when you can’t openly discuss your love life with an ex without hurting their feelings, the entire “JUST FRIENDS” bullshit is simply in place to sum up the fact that you two have broken up on the surface, possibly stopped sleeping with one another, but haven’t emotionally detached.
cause see… friendship isn’t censored or selective. any ex in my life who I call just a friend, is someone who can sit across a table from me and my present date and not “feel some type of way” regarding my newfound happiness. period.
you and YOUR EX are NOT “JUST FRIENDS”.
I hope you have had an opportunity to catch up with some of the more popular posts you have possibly missed from me since January, 2015. Be sure that you are FOLLOWING all of the Xem VanAdams social media. You never know when an idea is going to pop into my head, I’m inspired to share a tidbit of love and relationship advice or I get the urge to share a new product that is working on my body + skin.
The winter season will transition into spring, and many of us will continue to end blue nights with the quiet cool of solo thoughts and our single relationship status. Love scars have left their marks on many of our hearts, often times making us fearful of being open and vulnerable to the possibility of entering into another, romantic union.
People often ask me why I am single. As I attempt to offer an explanation, it seems that the answer is constantly changing. Once upon a time, I thought that I would never fall in love again. It took years to emotionally heal from a very significant breakup. I felt as if I was mourning a death on most days. During that period in my life, trying to “get over” my ex was a very challenging and gut wrenching experience. However, my heart did eventually piece itself back together and I was able to once again entertain the idea of meeting new people. Though, I wasn’t confident in allowing myself to romantically attach to another individual. And I certainly had no interest in placing a title on the casual relationships that I had begun to form. I became extremely focused on trying to build my online platform once I realized that my voice and written words were reaching waves that extended beyond my core circle of friends. There were plenty of people who walked into my life, offering to stand alongside me and aid in the process of my artistic development. They wanted to exist as my romantic partner in every capacity imaginable. I was just so hell bent on walking this path alone that my attitude pushed good people into very dark spaces. As far as I was concerned, falling in love was a sign of weakness. My desire to control every aspect of my life left very little room to ignite an emotion that I could not turn off during moments of inconvenience. I missed out on various opportunities to solidify healthy, romantic bonds. I was told that if I continued to practice my push-away routine, that eventually I would grow lonely. I have. Now, as I approach the celebration of yet another birthday, I long to exist in the type of relationship where I’m unafraid to pour all of me into someone who consciously refuels my vulnerable spirit.
The problem I face in securing another long-term relationship is trying to exist organically in the initial, dating phase of learning a new individual. I find that I am either forcing myself to create comfort in the rigid chemistry that exists, or I am growing extremely frustrated by the inconsistency of the other person’s communication. Quite honestly, I am a very easy guy to connect to if the beginning stage of our relationship is framed with constant, face-to-face meetings. I express myself best in situations where I’m able to talk and physically engage with someone who is offering the same level of energy or passion. I lose interest very quickly in people who aren’t willing or able to immediately express their thoughts and directly open up to share their feelings about me, their personal lives and ultimate desires as well.
While I understand that some people reveal pieces of themselves slower than others, I do not have patience for those who timeline what they choose to show and tell.
If the energy is intense and we are growing close quicker than what magazine articles and other social standards dictate as appropriate dating rituals, I want to feel that the other person is willing to trust our unique process. It is never too soon to freely share with someone exactly how you feel about their existence in your life. I don’t necessarily think it’s a good idea to prematurely enter into marriage, moving in together or even claiming someone as a boyfriend or a girlfriend. However, there’s no reason why two people should feel embarrassed to acknowledge the fact that feelings of comfort or love or a strong affection are developing after only a few weeks of knowing one another. We, collectively, make ourselves feel silly or ashamed to love “too soon”.
While it seems that everyone desires a romance to pair them alongside a special someone, the idea of courting and “putting ourselves out there” is where the masses often fall short. We exist as the generation that fears being labeled as “thirsty” or pressed in our pursuit of getting to know someone of interest. In an effort to maintain the façade of being in control of our dating situations or somehow avoiding being stuck with the short end of the stick, many of us aren’t putting forth much effort at all. There is no such thing as replying to someone too quickly. Immediately responding to a text message, directly returning a phone call, accepting the first date invite or even being the first to like and comment the picture of a potential love interest is actually appealing.
To turn your read receipts on is to let down the walls that are guarding your pride and your fragile ego.
When we first meet someone new, it’s important to verbalize our feelings to that someone as our interest intensifies. Sometimes, we avoid extending compliments to this person because we assume they receive them on a fairly regular basis. And while the individual you’re getting to know may hear from strangers how attractive they are physically, there’s nothing more comforting than receiving that level of attention from the one whose opinion actually carries romantic weight. In order for the new man or woman in your life to feel that they serve a role more significant than simply someone you’re hanging out with, tell him or share with her that they turn you on physically, mentally and/or emotionally.
Do not runaway from an opportunity to be the first to send a morning text message or to initiate an afternoon, lunch date. Your initiative sends a direct message that this new guy or new girl has crossed your mind during different stages of your day. Even in instances when the text reply is delayed an hour or the face-to-face lunch is postponed as a result of a busy work schedule your effort contributes to the healthy fuel that keeps the dating process exciting. Of course, no one wants to feel that they are always the first to call or the only partner making couple plans. However, it’s silly to constantly wait for the other individual to take the control.
Turn your read receipts on by turning your inhibitions off. If you’re overly concerned about how your instincts to express your feelings are going to be interpreted by the one you’re falling for, the relationship may never exit the dating zone. People want to feel loved and desired. Even in situations where the love is fueling into someone’s life at the most inopportune moment, the comfort of the feeling tends to blanket any daily inconveniences. Open your heart to the possibility of meeting someone tomorrow, connecting to that person next week and by next month — the two of you are establishing the type of bond that doesn’t allow pride, ego or the perception of “thirst” to dictate the organic flow of your relationship.
It is often said that dogs exist as man’s best friend. As a result, guys often place these creatures at the high end of their daily task list. Especially in instances where a man has owned his dog since childhood or his teenage years, “Sparky” has become more to him than simply a pet. From the moment your boyfriend’s parents brought “Sparky” home as a surprise, 8th birthday present, the bond between the two has been sealed. Not only does your man love his dog, but he also considers him to almost be a child. Though you may sometimes feel that your boyfriend goes overboard in his expression of love towards Sparky, the ways in which he treats his dog can benefit the framework of your romantic relationship.
Guys who have developed strong bonds with their pets often exude strong qualities of loyalty and commitment. These attributes will positively filter into a romantic relationship; making your dude one of the best boyfriends you’ve ever had. More than likely, your man doesn’t turn his back on the ones he loves when times get tough. He realizes that you are more independent than his animal. However, he also understands that his presence is as needed or desired in your life, as the time he has invested into loving his doggy. Usually, guys who own a dog have already embraced the idea of settling down and raising a family. He wants you to love his dog as much as he does. He also hopes that his first-born son will be granted the opportunity to receive a puppy to grow up with as well.
Because guys who own dogs have had to raise and take care of their pets for years, it’s a good chance that your boyfriend is also responsible when it comes to actually going to the grocery store to buy food, cleaning up behind himself and following through with other individual tasks. You don’t necessarily have to remind him every other day to take care of his personal business. Unlike fish, rabbits, hamsters, snakes or even some cats, dogs can’t be left alone for more than one or two days. This means that your boyfriend has always consciously thought about the welfare of his dog before making plans. This practice has then shaped your dude into considering your presence and feelings as well before he makes impulsive decisions. Raising a dog has possibly helped him to consider how his life choices affect those closest to him. Additionally, your guy probably has a very clear understanding of organic love and the importance of nurturing the relationship with someone or something that has always been present. If you have become that certain individual, it’s highly unlikely that your man will stray in hopes of replacing that bond with someone new.
There also exists guy’s who own dogs and have become obsessed with the role “Sparky” serves in his life. The obsession has taken a huge toll on the romantic relationship you two share. This has contributed to your feelings of frustration and neglect. As a result, your dude risks existing as the worst boyfriend you’ve ever had. Some men will allow their dog to become their entire world – to the point where the dog sleeps at the head of his bed every night and sits inside of the bathroom with him each morning. Every other photo on his Facebook and Instagram pages are pics of him and the dog. You’ve asked him to post a picture of the two of you sitting at Sunday brunch and he makes excuses not to. However, the photo you two took together in the front seat of his car with Sparky poking his head forward from the backseat was uploaded instead. And as much as your boyfriend loves his dog, he doesn’t take great care of him. Sparky is in desperate need of a shampoo, a haircut and a new doggy diet. You are disgusted to even spend the night at your boyfriend’s house because his place smells terrible. There is dog hair spread across all of the furniture, bathroom floor, sheets and carpeting. Sometimes the dog uses the bathroom inside of the house because your dude comes home whenever he wants to and wakes up each morning when he feels like it. You’ve grown tired of every discussion you have with your boyfriend beginning and ending with stories about what Sparky did to the trash cans outside or how he ”accidentally” chewed the sweater you left in the bedroom.
So, before you commit to placing a title on a relationship with a guy who owns pets, pay close attention to how he cares for and interacts regularly with his animals. If you notice that he constantly ignores his mothers calls to take selfies with Sparky by his side, he certainly isn’t going to change that behavior to give you special attention once the two of you are together. However, if owning a dog seems to have instilled great levels of responsibility, sensitivity and balance in your man’s life, he may be for the keeping. Most pet owners are loving people, but that doesn’t mean that they will make the best romantically loving partner.
Dinner and a movie have been done since the beginning of time. Nothing says, I lack romance more than a last minute dash to TGIFridays and then taking your date to a crowded theater filled with other losers who couldn’t think of anything creative to do. And while opening a box of store bought chocolate may put a temporary smile on your partners face, there’s nothing unique about offering candy or flowers to the one you love on the day they are most expecting to receive them. Sure, the gesture is nice, but you never want to send the silent message that you’re too lazy to put forth real effort.
If you are lucky to spend Valentine’s Day with someone who truly cares about you, that individual is quietly hoping that you’ll invest thought into creating a special memory as opposed to simply making an expensive purchase. February fourteenth is designed for Cupid to shoot his arrow into a sea of hearts – igniting waves of desire, affection and renewed attraction between couples in love. While Valentine’s Day has easily turned into another commercial celebration of giving and spending, intimacy still reigns as the supreme gift. The best way to impress the one who means the most to your life is to create a moment where the two of you are truly enjoying each others company.
Start planning early. Avoid having to rummage through the retail aisles of cheesy, leftover, singing cards or sales bins filled with cheap teddy bears and those nasty candy hearts with the little “I Love You” messages carved at the center.
CREATE AN IN-HOME GETAWAY – Money may be tight right now and you cannot afford to take your Valentine on an expensive vacation. The two of you have been talking about getting on a plane and flying to some remote, tropical island for months. While it isn’t in the budget to getaway this winter, bring paradise into your living space. Instead of giving your Valentine a cliché’ Hallmark card, have a mock flight ticket sealed in an envelope and taped to the front door. Decorate your house or apartment with little palm trees, bamboo, a plastic children’s pool filled with sand, two beach chairs, a big, crafted sun hanging from the ceiling and maybe a stuffed parrot or two stashed in the corners of the room. Turn the bedroom into a luxury, hotel suite; complete with all white sheets, matching pillowcases, white towels and a room service menu. The room service menu should include all of the specialty food items and drinks that you’ve either prepared yourself or picked up from various cultural restaurants in your city. Do a mix of Caribbean, Jamaican or Hawaiian inspired dishes. Serve the drinks in real or plastic coconuts. The two of you can change into your bathing suits and sip your cocktails inside of the makeshift pool. Fill your bathtub with warm water and add a few drops of blue food coloring. Make the entire night feel like an escape from the mundane of your everyday lives.
GIVE A HARD COPY PHOTO ALBUM – In this day and time, all of the photos we take, copy or save are digital images. It’s very rare that we can actually place our hands on all of the pictures that we’ve taken over the years. Gather all of the special couple shots that the two of you have saved online or stashed in desktop folders and print them out. Create an album that displays the chronological order of your relationship – from the first time you both posed together for an iphone pic to the most recent capture taken on New Years Eve.
CREATE AN AT-HOME SPA NIGHT – Sometimes, our Valentine may feel that we only touch them or show physical affection during or immediately following sex. As a result, create a series of treatments that will allow you to physically come in contact with various parts of your Valentine’s body. Purchase an Aveda facial mask, body scrub, foot cream and massage oils. All Aveda products are natural and designed to not irritate or breakout sensitive skin types. Use this spa night to also groom your partner. If they have body hair in areas that you’ve desperately wanted them to get rid of, this presents the perfect opportunity to shave or Nair those crevices while your Valentine lays back and enjoys the pampering. Take your time. As you are applying the facial mask, body scrub or other massage oils, it’s important that each body part is receiving equal attention. Try to not solely focus on the “private” areas. Once you are done massaging your Valentine, cover them in clean, white towels that you’ve heated up in the dryer. Have white tea lights lit and placed in as many obvious places as possible. Simply allow them to relax.
MAKE DRINKS AND TASTE TEST – Getting tipsy with the love of your life can lead to all types of fun. The two of you can purchase different types of alcohol, fruit and flavorings. With two different blenders, each of you creates 2 or 3 specialty drinks. Write down the ingredients and give each of your cocktails a name that somehow pertains to your relationship – preferably a title that relates to something funny or secretive that only the both of you understand. Spend Valentine’s night sipping from one another’s cups. Get drunk and then, get naked.
PURCHASE A TWO HOUR LESSON IN SOMETHING OUT OF HIS OR HER COMFORT ZONE – One of the best ways to reignite the passion in a relationship is for one partner to introduce the other partner to something unfamiliar to them. Especially if you have experience in a certain task or activity, a two hour lesson will allow your partner to step foot into a world where you can be the guide. Search for locations where swim classes, ice-skating lessons, samba sessions for beginners or even basic painting instruction is being offered. Engage with your partner by assisting them with the steps that they may be having the most difficulty executing. And if professional lessons aren’t being offered in your area, simply secure a location and YOU act as the instructor.
SHOW THEM A POST CARD IMAGE IN PERSON – Most of the time, between the bustle of our days and the heaviness of our nights, we miss the beauty of nature that exists directly outside of our windows. We see gorgeous sunsets in pictures, but it’s rare that many of us experience them firsthand. Scope out a location where you and the love of your life can easily look at the stars, watch a sunrise, see birds flying, hear the ocean moving or witness the sky turning into a blanket of orange, pink and deep red clouds.
DO A HOME THEATER & WATCH OLD MOVIES – Instead of piling into an overcrowded AMC, turn your couch into plush, VIP seating. Replace the Valentine card with little, red, tear-off movie tickets. Purchase paper buckets from the grocery store or a Bed, Bath & Beyond. Fill the buckets with homemade popcorn. Buy tall paper cups, plastic tops and straws. Fill those with your Valentine’s favorite soda or fruit drink. Choose one or two movies that the both of you can enjoy. And for nostalgic sake, try to get your hands on the first movie the two of you ever went to see together during one of your initial dates. You’ll win points for remembering. If you really want to impress, try renting a projector that will allow you to play the movies on one of the white walls inside of your home.
CREATE A “DAY IN THE LIFE” GROUPON PACKAGE – Since Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday this year, present your BAE with 7 to 10 Groupon’s that pertain directly to their likes, desires or something that works in their favor. For example, for $3.00, your Valentine can ask you to wash the breakfast dishes before 10:00am. For $2.00, your Valentine can request that you vacuum the inside of their car and take it to be washed before noon. For $1.50, your Valentine can have you rub their feet and massage their ears before 6:00pm. The catch, however, is that once the time you come up with expires for each groupon, the request or service is then null and void.
PLAN A SCAVENGER HUNT – Even if you do decide to purchase an expensive gift for your Valentine, make them search for it in a hidden place. Begin the scavenger hunt in the front seat of their car. Let each clue reflect a place, idea or thought that is especially pertinent to your relationship. Place the clues in red envelopes spread throughout the neighborhood or inside of the house. Put numbers on the front of each envelope so in case your Valentine stumbles ahead of the hunt, you’re able to keep them on path. The clues don’t have to be intricate, but a sentence or phrase that will make perfect sense once they read it; i.e. “that time I came home in the middle of the day and found you napping in the oddest of places” – then your Valentine would look underneath the dining room table for the next clue. LOL!
OFFER YOUR VALENTINE ONE NIGHT WITH THEIR CELEBRITY CRUSH – Physically transform yourself into the actor, actress, singer, athlete, reality star or performer that you know your Valentine is most attracted to. Recreate one of the signature looks of that superstar and even try to emulate the voice, and mannerisms that makes that celebrity so appealing on the surface. Once your Valentine is convinced of the switch, strip down and allow your Valentine to call you by that celebrities name in the bedroom. People often say, “if only I had 15 minutes with ___________!” Well, let your Valentine act out on you all of the fanciful things they would do if given that golden opportunity.
Valentine’s Day can be as fun and creative as we make it. There’s no need to follow the trends or fall into the cliché’ of giving candy, roses and cards. Show the one you love that you think enough about them and the relationship you two share to reach outside of the conventional box. Be original in your approach to sealing this Valentine’s as the day he or she will remember most at the end of this year.
It has been a little over one month since the two of you decided to part ways — for the third time in two years. You are determined to walk away once and for all; leaving behind the countless incidents of infidelity. Sick and tired of waiting hours for him to reply to your text messages or simply to answer his phone whenever you call, you have decided that he will never hear from you again. You love this guy deeper than you have ever loved anyone else, but the dynamics of the relationship have hurt you worse than anything you’ve endured in your past. You have worn yourself thin by worrying at night that he is out in the streets flirting or sleeping with someone else. He denies ever meeting or conversing with the scantily clad “others” who are suddenly commenting all of his online photos. Every time you ask him a question or request that he explain a situation, his response is always, “what do you mean? stop blowing things out of proportion!” The relationship you share with this guy takes a toll on the other facets of your life and you simply refuse to carry the emotional burden into a new year.
However, your frustration with being mistreated by this man has not overpowered your intense connection to how he makes you feel when everything between the two of you appears to be “okay”. Watching him live his life from a distance, as if everything in his world is perfect and happier without you has become painful and difficult to endure.
The reality is that you are the one who ended the relationship, again. Your man agreed to let you walk away in that moment as a temporary fix to the issues that he didn’t want to verbally address. You have broken things off with this guy several times in the past. However, the moment you begin to miss him, the two of you have always reunited.
Since men tend to exist as very routine creatures, your man has become quite familiar with your cycle. As a result, he no longer fears permanently losing you or missing out on the long term benefits of having you in his life. Your “run and return home” routine has trained this man into his own cycle of avoiding your questions when the two of you are together, allowing you to break things off, waiting for the turmoil to cool down and then knowing you will eventually come back to him.
The entire time that you have existed in and out of this man’s life, there has never been a period where he was truly forced to feel your absence. It crossed his mind during the first breakup that he would never see you or hear from you again. That’s why he showed up to your job unannounced, cried on your lap inside the car, and worked so hard to win back your affection. Now, he doesn’t even take your absence or physical withdrawal from his life seriously. Instead, he uses the weeks or months of separation to hangout and “chill” with other individuals he finds attractive. He takes full advantage of the two of you not officially being together by now openly engaging in all of the activities that he would normally hide from you. And the moment you dare to question him about his decisions or reckless behavior, he knows that he can toss it in your face that YOU broke up with him. This man knows that he doesn’t have to be cautious of how he carries himself, because you’ve trained him to believe that ultimately, you’re going to return to the relationship.
Most often, guys experience the “Play” phase almost immediately after their relationship ends. This is the phase of behavior that you are misinterpreting as your man being perfectly fine without you.The “Play” phase is the initial period following a breakup that lasts between 4 to 6 weeks. During this “Play” phase, guys will purposely avoid dealing with emotional pain even though he IS hurting. There is very little self reflection as it pertains to the mistakes they’ve made. Men will use this time to buy new clothes, create dating profiles on different hook-up sites, go to the club with their friends, invite strangers to stay the night at their place, purchase high end items to fill your void and usually just indulge in the foods, people, places or things that you would otherwise suggest they stay away from.
Your response to his “Play” phase must be total silence. This time, do not react out loud to his antics. He is expecting you to post emotional status messages on Facebook or “Im doing me” quotes on Instagram. He’s waiting for you to text and call him to fuss about the new whores he is spending time with — just as you usually do. Your normal reaction gives him the opportunity to laugh at you, brag to his friends that you’re blowing up his phone and simply relish in the fact that he still has your heart tangled in a knot.
IF you even decide that it’s worth your energy to ignite a reconciliation, it becomes important that you remain distant in all regards for a minimum of 10 to 12 weeks. It usually takes guys this long to enter into their “Self Reflection” phase following a breakup. Once the novelty of his single life activities has worn off, he is now beginning to feel the intensity of your absence. Additionally, the pain that he has been able to suppress over the past few weeks has risen to the surface. The combination of your absence and his refusal to acknowledge his pain forces him to examine his own weaknesses, misgivings, failures and disregard for others. He is no longer enjoying the “pretend my life is perfect” behaviors because the universe is forcing him to address the role he has played in the dissolution of his most important relationships. You need him to undergo this growth period, otherwise the cycle will repeat itself.
Sometimes, guys need to experience their own peril as a result of avoiding the issues that plague their lives. Allow him the space to make believe that life is happier without you because in your mind, you already know it’s simply an act. If the man you love is never able to make a conscious connection between his internal problems and the poor relationship decisions he tends to make, then he may never become the man you can spend the rest of your life with.
The holiday season is upon us. As a result, your end of the year rituals tend to spark memories of that special someone who once upon a time played a significant role in your everyday life. Thoughts of him trip across your mind each time you happen to see his favorite team playing ball during one of your couch commando, channel surfing sessions. Standing beside him at the local arena as he cheered on the star players easily became some of the best, quality time that you two spent together. You think of him whenever you smell that Vera Wang Cologne for Men, while shopping on the weekends in the mall department stores. His voice is tangled between the chorus of Beyonce’s “XO” record, as he was the first person you forced to listen to the song when she dropped her surprise album last December. He’s now absent from the right side of your bed nightly, but the scent of his hair still lingers in the fibers of the pillow you never wash or sleep with anymore. It has been a long while since he has updated his Facebook status message or even signed in to Foursquare. You have no idea how things are going in his world, but you miss him. You wonder about him. You still love him… and that is okay.
One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned over the past ten years is, “just because we love someone, does not mean that we are supposed to be with that someone”. Anyone who has ever truly made an emotional impact in our lives is always going to fill a carved space within our hearts. Those feelings will often surface, especially during the holidays. Those feelings then trigger thoughts about the past we once shared with this individual. However, it is most important to remember, the distance that has been created to separate his life from your conscious mind, is often designed to protect you. While you may think that knowing the details of what is going on with this man personally will comfort your curiosity and wonder, the information and knowledge of what he’s doing stands a greater chance of hurting you.
Before you consider sending that, “Happy Thanksgiving! Just thinking about you” text message, be aware of how that action may reopen a painful chapter that you’ve worked so hard to close. In most circumstances, you are sending that text message because not only are you thinking of this man, but you’re also longing to talk to him and possibly see him. Meanwhile, his response, or lack thereof could affect the positive adjustments you’ve made now that he no longer plays a role in your life. Your vulnerabilities are still rather soft.
Men don’t change mentally, emotionally or behaviorally over the period of a few months. Unless he has endured a major turn of events that has impacted every crescent of his psyche, he is still the same guy you chose to stop dealing with. This dude, under most circumstances, still maintains the same arrogant attitude, dismissive personality, apathetic demeanor and piss poor means of communication that tore you away from him months ago. Sure, he has possibly moved into a new apartment or has started working a new job, but you also know that he has a very difficult time finding comfort in being alone. While you have remained single, despite entertaining a few phone calls from one or two admirers, he of course has been sleeping with everyone who has slid a nude picture into his direct message inboxes. In your mind, without having the concrete information, you already know that he has filled your void with random company, meaningless sex, and the same impulsive decisions that created tumultuous consequences when the two of you were romantically involved.
You cannot allow your rose tinted memories to cushion the reality of every thorn this man so carelessly poked in your chest. You’re no longer waking up each day, unable to physically pull yourself out of bed. You’ve successfully moved beyond the phase of crying in the car while on your way to work or riding home from a Sunday, church service. It isn’t still tough for you to hear his name brought up by a friend in casual conversation. You’re actually healing. As a result, wonder how this guy is doing from time to time, but maintain your physical distance. Eventually, once you have truly moved beyond the emotional burden, the universe will conspire to allow the both of you to cross paths amicably. The moment may not happen for months or years to come. However, you forcing the interaction will simply interfere with your ability to maintain a peace of mind.
We fool ourselves into believing that we are ready to “be friends” with someone who existed as a love interest less than a year ago. But if you two are actually friends, this means you can stomach hearing him discuss his love life and romantic dealings with other people. ARE YOU PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT LEVEL OF CONVERSATION?
As human beings, we desire the ability to own or control our hearts in determining the speed at which we fall out of love or “get over” an ex. Truthfully, you do not possess the power to order your emotional timeline and that is why barely talking to HIM right now, is the very best thing for YOU.