I Don’t Understand Why I Was Stood Up When He Was The One Who Planned The Date

stoodup

Let me start off by saying that you have been such a blessing to my life Xem. I smile when I see you smile in pictures. I get sad when I watch you cry on videos. I get excited when I see you posting new blogs and I feel disappointed when you don’t. lol! To me and this may seem crazy but I feel like you are apart of my life. I had just graduated from high school when I first watched your video about the 5 types of guys that travel to sizzle in 2011 and then I spent that entire summer literally watching every video you had ever created. I’m being completely serious right now. Your entire self has been so comforting for me through my college years. I am a senior now at Hampton University and I find myself at a crossroads when it comes to dating or meeting someone who will actually be by my side as I enter into the next phase of my life. To know that you are single has always been very puzzling to me because you’re so smart and you have all of this special traits that I admire. I began to feel like maybe Xem just has really high standards but now that I see how guys truly are I’m beginning to understand what you have probably had to deal with as well.

I was stood up last Saturday afternoon by a guy I met through Instagram. He sent me a DM during the summer basically just telling me that he thought I was cute and really liked my pictures. I also thought he was attractive which is the reason why I started following him in the first place. Usually guys like him don’t try to talk to me because I’m what you could consider a feminine type and he is very masculine based on his pictures. I was really surprised to even receive a message from him because after I followed him I never liked or commented his pics. He asked if we could exchange numbers to get to know one another and I agreed. We started texting one another on a Thursday night but our conversations were always very dry. He replied to all of my questions with one word answers and would sometimes take like 20-30 minutes to reply at all. It got to the point where I simply wasn’t interested in texting with him anymore. Then out of the blue a week later, that next Saturday he asked if we could talk on the phone. I really didn’t want to but was curious about how he would sound. I called him that Saturday night and he didn’t respond. I didn’t bother to leave a voicemail. I just figured he was out or asleep. It was around 9pm. Then he called me that Sunday morning but I was at church with my roommate. We eventually talked that night and our conversation was surprisingly very interesting and entertaining. His voice was so sexy to me Xem. He was very talkative on the phone and told me stories about him growing up and moving away from home at 17. He talked about how he bought his first house at the age of 21 and had been collecting vintage cars for the past 5 years. He told me he lived in the Western Branch section of Chesapeake, which is like a 30 minute drive from Hampton. The majority of the time for the next few weeks I would wait for him to call me because he’s a personal trainer and nutritionist. He doesn’t really have set work hours. For like the next 3 weeks he was very consistent in calling me every night and we would talk about everything, more than I’ve really opened up to a guy about since high school. He would joke and say that I was high maintenance and that guys like me never paid him attention years ago. He told me that he never even had a boyfriend. It really shocked me to hear him say these things like that because he is so handsome and has a banging body. I guess this may seem weird, but I started catching feelings for him because of how special he would make me feel on the phone. I asked him if he talked to other guys the way he opened up to me and said he had not in years. I suggested to him Labor Day weekend that we should finally get together and meet face to face. He said he was busy. Then he set a date for that next Saturday after Labor Day at the Six Little Bar Bistro. He said he had been there several times before and thought it would be a great place for us to spend some time. It’s a spot right here in Hampton. I told him that I didn’t mind driving to his house but he insisted that he really wanted to come down this way.

We talked everyday leading up to that Saturday except for that Saturday morning. Which was odd but I knew that he had two clients that morning. We were supposed to meet at 2oclock outside of the Six Little Bar Bistro. I waited like 20 minutes Xem and then texted him to say that I was going to get a table since the restaurant was getting crowded. He didn’t respond. I ordered an appetizer and a glass of water as I waited and it was now probably 45 minutes later. I called him because I thought that maybe there was traffic between Chesapeake on the 664. He did not answer my calls. I sat at the table looking around and continuously checking my phone. He never replied to my text messages or returned my calls. I finally left the restaurant around 3:30. I HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING FROM HIM SINCE THEN. I do see that he’s still posting pictures on Instagram so I know that he’s alive. I have DM’s him and he will not reply to me there either. This is the weirdest situation I have ever experienced with a guy in the past four years. I do not understand what I may have done wrong. I even left a voicemail saying that it’s okay if he changed his mind about us meeting face to face so soon. I offered that we could still just talk on the phone and continue getting to know each other. He will not say anything to me or reach out. What do you think happened based on all that I have shared with you? I was wondering if maybe he showed up and saw me from a distance but didn’t like how I looked in person even though I look just like my pics.

XEM SAYS…

Please know and understand that the reasons why this guy did not show up for the scheduled date has little to do with you, directly. I have never been stood-up by someone who I was scheduled to meet for the first time. However, I have endured situations where the other man involved was too uncomfortable or insecure to spend one-on-one time with me. I have often wondered if I rushed the initial date or whether or not I said something to scare off the other party. Then, as I began examining our conversations and previous interactions, I realized that the problem existed long before the guy and I ever met.

You stated that during your phone conversations, the other dude would joke and say that you were high maintenance – and that guys like you never paid him attention years ago. He also told you that he never has had a boyfriend in the past.

This information should have immediately let you know that your new guy was dealing with various self-esteem issues. Despite the fact that he now has this “banging body” that you described, he obviously didn’t appeal to certain types of guys prior to his transformation. A large part of why this guy has worked so hard to build this “banging body” is to garner the attention of the ‘high-maintenance’ men who never seemed to look his way years ago. In his mind, despite how he may presently look on the outside, parts of him may still feel unworthy of the praise. It’s easier for him to mask the insecurities through pictures, text messages and phone conversations. However, face-to-face, he was possibly afraid that you would notice his lack of confidence. A lot of guys who appear to be very attractive and well put together on social media apps, are quite insecure and emotionally wounded once you meet them in person. The realization of the two of you actually sitting across from one another, possibly sent him into a frenzy of social anxiety. He would be faced with old demons – making him feel he didn’t belong with certain guys, or otherwise wouldn’t stand a chance of establishing a relationship with someone he deems as being better than him. The newfound, online popularity doesn’t heal the day-to-day discomfort that some guys experience within themselves.

Additionally, this man made up in his mind that you were high maintenance. I’m unsure if he came to that conclusion based on your enrollment at Hampton University or maybe as a result of the other interests you shared with him over the course of your phone conversations. He may have also looked through your series of Instagram pictures and determined that your surface lifestyle is beyond his norm or comfort level.

It is possible that this man doesn’t own the home or all of the vintage cars that he spoke about over the past few weeks. Maybe his employment as a personal trainer and nutritionist isn’t as stable or lucrative as he has alluded to. As a result, he didn’t show up to meet you because that first date would ignite further inquiries into his daily life. Eventually, your café dates would turn into sleepovers at your apartment and then time spent at his “alleged” house in Chesapeake. This guy may not own a car or a home of his own. Keep in mind that he insisted you not meet him at his house when you suggested taking the drive instead of him traveling to the Hampton area. Yes, he could have simply been taking caution – not wanting to invite a new individual to his residence. However, you must remember that people are able to easily create lies and scenarios about how they live when there isn’t great expectation of meeting the person they are lying to.

Also, the same way you unexpectedly caught feelings for this man, he may have begun to feel similarly about you. His intentions from the very beginning may have been to simply flirt, exchange pictures and move on to someone new. The fact that you two actually connected beyond physical attraction may have scared him. He knew showing up for your date would possibly intensify feelings on his part. For whatever reasons, maybe he isn’t in a mental or emotional position to build the foundation for a healthy relationship. After all, this man has never actually existed in a romantic relationship with another guy. His fear is possibly that he doesn’t know HOW to date or engage with other men beyond online flirtation or basic, phone conversation. Social anxiety is a real disease, especially for people who were treated as outcasts during their childhood and/or teenage years.

Overall, I believe this man was afraid to meet you. He possibly felt that you were out of his league and would reject him after that first, face-to-face encounter. His wounds have not healed from the lack of attention received from men in the past. It could be that he exaggerated the lifestyle he lives, and therefore didn’t want to face the embarrassment of having to reveal the truth to you. Then, there’s the possibility of this man having grown so comfortable with meeting other men online, that he simply doesn’t know how to engage with other guys as it pertains to being romantic or getting to know others in person.

You have certainly dodged a bullet, as you do not have time at this point in your life to build another man’s self esteem. You are soon to be a college graduate and should be involved with a guy whose confidence will compliment the journey you’re about to face in the world. Meanwhile, don’t allow this isolated incident to prevent you from eagerly accepting the next lunch or dinner invitation…because there will be many others.

 

 

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