The holiday season is upon us. As a result, your end of the year rituals tend to spark memories of that special someone who once upon a time played a significant role in your everyday life. Thoughts of him trip across your mind each time you happen to see his favorite team playing ball during one of your couch commando, channel surfing sessions. Standing beside him at the local arena as he cheered on the star players easily became some of the best, quality time that you two spent together. You think of him whenever you smell that Vera Wang Cologne for Men, while shopping on the weekends in the mall department stores. His voice is tangled between the chorus of Beyonce’s “XO” record, as he was the first person you forced to listen to the song when she dropped her surprise album last December. He’s now absent from the right side of your bed nightly, but the scent of his hair still lingers in the fibers of the pillow you never wash or sleep with anymore. It has been a long while since he has updated his Facebook status message or even signed in to Foursquare. You have no idea how things are going in his world, but you miss him. You wonder about him. You still love him… and that is okay.
One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned over the past ten years is, “just because we love someone, does not mean that we are supposed to be with that someone”. Anyone who has ever truly made an emotional impact in our lives is always going to fill a carved space within our hearts. Those feelings will often surface, especially during the holidays. Those feelings then trigger thoughts about the past we once shared with this individual. However, it is most important to remember, the distance that has been created to separate his life from your conscious mind, is often designed to protect you. While you may think that knowing the details of what is going on with this man personally will comfort your curiosity and wonder, the information and knowledge of what he’s doing stands a greater chance of hurting you.
Before you consider sending that, “Happy Thanksgiving! Just thinking about you” text message, be aware of how that action may reopen a painful chapter that you’ve worked so hard to close. In most circumstances, you are sending that text message because not only are you thinking of this man, but you’re also longing to talk to him and possibly see him. Meanwhile, his response, or lack thereof could affect the positive adjustments you’ve made now that he no longer plays a role in your life. Your vulnerabilities are still rather soft.
Men don’t change mentally, emotionally or behaviorally over the period of a few months. Unless he has endured a major turn of events that has impacted every crescent of his psyche, he is still the same guy you chose to stop dealing with. This dude, under most circumstances, still maintains the same arrogant attitude, dismissive personality, apathetic demeanor and piss poor means of communication that tore you away from him months ago. Sure, he has possibly moved into a new apartment or has started working a new job, but you also know that he has a very difficult time finding comfort in being alone. While you have remained single, despite entertaining a few phone calls from one or two admirers, he of course has been sleeping with everyone who has slid a nude picture into his direct message inboxes. In your mind, without having the concrete information, you already know that he has filled your void with random company, meaningless sex, and the same impulsive decisions that created tumultuous consequences when the two of you were romantically involved.
You cannot allow your rose tinted memories to cushion the reality of every thorn this man so carelessly poked in your chest. You’re no longer waking up each day, unable to physically pull yourself out of bed. You’ve successfully moved beyond the phase of crying in the car while on your way to work or riding home from a Sunday, church service. It isn’t still tough for you to hear his name brought up by a friend in casual conversation. You’re actually healing. As a result, wonder how this guy is doing from time to time, but maintain your physical distance. Eventually, once you have truly moved beyond the emotional burden, the universe will conspire to allow the both of you to cross paths amicably. The moment may not happen for months or years to come. However, you forcing the interaction will simply interfere with your ability to maintain a peace of mind.
We fool ourselves into believing that we are ready to “be friends” with someone who existed as a love interest less than a year ago. But if you two are actually friends, this means you can stomach hearing him discuss his love life and romantic dealings with other people. ARE YOU PREPARED TO HANDLE THAT LEVEL OF CONVERSATION?
As human beings, we desire the ability to own or control our hearts in determining the speed at which we fall out of love or “get over” an ex. Truthfully, you do not possess the power to order your emotional timeline and that is why barely talking to HIM right now, is the very best thing for YOU.