Gay men who refuse to bottom for their partner are either emotionally unattached, psychologically fearful or physically turned off by the feeling of being penetrated. Contrary to popular belief, there exists a lot of homosexual men in the world who do not enjoy the act, feeling or idea of being penetrated. There are many same gender loving men who exist in committed, long term relationships where they do not allow themselves to be sexually submissive to their partners at all. In the beginning stages of a casual, gay male relationship, sexual roles and bedroom preferences are most often discussed or mutually understood during the initial dating process. However, as the relationship reaches beyond the honeymoon period and expectations are set for the duration of the relationship, many guys often assume that the sex life will simply take its own course. Naively, men enter into same sex relationships under the impression that their boyfriend will eventually ‘give in’ and begin to explore the acts that he proclaims he does not enjoy. Sometimes, the unsaid agreement of who will be the dominant, sexual partner versus who will be more submissive is established during the first few acts of intercourse. As the more submissive partner begins feeling bored with playing the same role over a prolonged period of time, he desires to engage in a deeper level of sexual activity with his man. He starts wanting to explore his man’s body from a dominant position. His ‘man’ expresses very strong feelings about what he won’t allow in the bedroom and what he refuses to do with his body. The subject is brought up in various conversations that usually turns into arguments and intense shouting matches. The couple begins having sex less and less, as the tension that exists between them intensifies. The pair begin to ignore and eventually lose their intimacy. In due part to the fact that neither guy ever ignited a serious, in depth conversation about past experiences and present desires, the couple faces losing their relationship as a result of their declining sex life.
A guy who has bottomed previously, but refuses to do the same in his current relationship is someone who was emotionally attached to his ex boyfriend. The connection he felt with his previous partner extended beyond the conventions of a cute, school boy crush. In many circumstances, the guy he was involved with was older, provided financially for the household and was most often your current’s ‘first love’. When a guy feels an intense, emotional attachment to another man, he is willing to do anything possible to please that man. Sometimes, he will make decisions against his better judgement or preference in order to maintain order in his relationship. Surrendering his body to his ex lover was more about the willingness to satisfy his man’s desires than it was the act of allowing his man to penetrate him. Guy’s who don’t usually bottom, must feel that their partner truly loves and appreciates them in order to give up that part of themselves. To endure the physical pain of being sexually submissive, a man wants to know that he won’t have to also endure the pain of losing his relationship. If your man is refusing to bottom for you right now, he may not be emotionally ready to handle the ways in which his feelings intensify following the act. As a way of trying to stay in control of his heart, your dude may simply want to wait until he feels the relationship is secure. Even if the two of you have been together for six months or a year, for him, that period of time may still seem short lived. Allow him to feel emotionally comfortable with being submissive to you. Otherwise, the actual act will be an unpleasant experience for both partners.
Psychologically, some guys fear the social stigma’s, personal shame and romantic responsibilities that come along with acting as the bottom in their relationships. In due part to the fact that he bottomed for his ex, his mind races around the fact that other people in the world know he allowed a man to climb his back. He assumes that his ex’s friends and associates consider him to be a weak man for playing a submissive role in the bedroom. Since he can’t change what he has done in his sexual past, his refusal to bottom in his current relationship is a part of his psychological method of controlling the present. Regardless of sexual orientation, men fear being looked down upon or ridiculed by other men. Your boyfriend is fearful of other people knowing or finding out that he ‘surrendered his manhood’. Though being penetrated has nothing to do with strength or masculinity, many gay men measure sexual submissive behavior as being less than ‘manly’. Socially, your boyfriend needs to still feel dominant and in charge of the relationship. The moment he throws his legs in the air for you, he is thinking that he’s also throwing away his power. These thoughts then manifest into a deep rooted shame. Your boyfriend more than likely feels that it is his responsibility to lead the relationship, romantically. If he is then being sexually submissive, psychologically he’s thinking that he is giving up that lead role. Previously, his ex may have held that lead position, therefore forcing your boyfriend to follow. Alongside his ex, he never contemplated all of these thoughts until after the relationship was over. You are simply having to suffer the affects of his psychological warfare.
Physically, your guy may honestly hate the discomforts of being sexually submissive. Not every gay man enjoys the hard, piercing, intense feeling of being penetrated. However, in the confines of a solid, healthy, relationship, I do believe that the more dominant male should compromise. He should be open to the idea of receiving anal pleasure, orally. He should also allow his partner to explore certain areas of his body through touch and the act of massage. Physically bottoming doesn’t simply have to include the act of penetration. There are ways to be sexually submissive and bottom, without having to endure physical pain. If your boyfriend is truly turned off by the feeling of conventionally bottoming, help him get comfortable with you exploring his buttocks in a less intense manner. One of the easiest and most effective ways of accomplishing this goal is to bathe him in the tub or in the shower. If you first give his preferred body parts plenty of attention, he’s more willing to allow you to play with the others. Once he becomes use to you touching him everywhere, he will eventually feel comfortable as you begin using your teeth, lips, fingers and other body parts to explore his bottom region.
If he bottomed for his ex, but refuses to do the same for you, take the time to figure out his reasons. As oppose to getting frustrated and fussing about the issue, have discussions about his past experiences being sexually submissive. As he shares certain stories, try to make sense of what he is telling you. Guys often give us all of the information we need in order to understand what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling or what is bothering him above all else. We simply need to LISTEN! If you know your man well, you will grasp his point of view.
Usually, the fact that he won’t bottom for you has MORE to do with him and his own internal struggles.