Why Am I Still ‘Going Through It’ When I Was The One Who Ended The Relationship?


For the past few months, possibly even a year, many of you have faced Monday mornings by saying to yourself, ‘this is the week that I’m going to “get over” him’. You have made yourself feel like a loser time and time again for being unable to emotionally heal from your most recent, romantic breakup. You have become accustomed to remaining in control of every aspect of your life. Things aren’t always perfect, but you certainly maintain a level of structure and organization. Therefore, the fact that you endure these moments where your feelings for another human being dictates your mood, often times has you labeling yourself a failure.

You decided to walk away from a romantic situation that had become toxic to your heart and damaging to your mental stability. Still, as each day passes, it becomes increasingly difficult to ignore the pain that is directly associated with your breakup.

There are several factors that contribute to your inability to simply ‘be over it’ at this present moment…

YOU MUST FIRST EMBRACE THE SADNESS. It is perfectly okay to grieve the loss of someone you once upon a time felt romantically connected to. As human beings, we have a tendency to make ourselves feel guilty or foolish for maintaining an emotional attachment to someone who has mistreated or disrespected us. We beat ourselves up for being unable to clap twice and remove the love that our heart carries for a man who no longer exists in our lives. We don’t embrace the idea that as human beings, WE ARENT IN CONTROL OF OUR FEELINGS. WE ONLY CONTROL HOW WE ACT IN RESPONSE TO MATTERS OF THE HEART. The fact that the relationship only lasted one year, six months or maybe even four weeks often makes us think that the feelings should disappear in half that amount of time. It’s a burden of pressure we place upon ourselves; now piled on top of the open wound that isn’t being given the room to heal.

RELEASE CONTROL & BE WILLING TO RELY UPON THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS IN ORDER TO HEAL. For those of us who are identified amongst our peer groups as being the ‘strong one’, it’s sometimes difficult to then call upon others for help. We have been placed in a social position of leadership; often times requiring us to remain confident, focused and in charge of our personal and professional lives, at all times. We are the individual who others look to for solid advice, encouragement, physical assistance and guidance. We’ve existed in this role for so many years that it almost seems impossible to pass the anchor to someone else. However, during a grieving period, releasing some of your control and other secondary responsibilities becomes a part of your healing process. While you may not feel comfortable opening your broken heart to everyone around you, it is imperative that you choose one friend or one family member to confide in.

When we openly discuss our feelings with others, we are removing pieces of the burden that we carry around on a daily basis. Part of the reason why people post their personal struggles on social media is to free themselves of the heavy, emotional weight. It is unhealthy to hold back tears and internalize a pain that runs deep within your spirit. Allowing someone else to carry a part of your burden provides room for you to replace hurt feelings with a sense of comfort. Regardless of how private you are as it pertains to your love life, you must be willing to share some of those pieces with someone other than your partner. Now that the two of you are broken up, you CAN NOT rely upon them to reach out to you via text, email or phone calls to discuss ‘what went wrong.’ That is no longer their role.

STOP OVERANALYZING EVERY ASPECT OF WHAT POSSIBLY WENT WRONG. I too am guilty of dissecting every situation, circumstance and relationship that affects my life. However, I’ve learned over time that when I look too deep into these ‘situations’, my mind has a tendency to create thoughts and ideas that don’t directly pertain to what I’ve actually experienced. I’ll begin creating scenarios in my head that involve the other individual. Sometimes, the scenarios are a replay of our arguments, disagreements and other dark moments. I’ll try to make sense of why the other person said certain things to me, or the reasons why they behaved in certain ways. These moments then force me into stages of blame and misinterpretation. I’m second guessing my recent decisions; making myself feel as if I was too hard on the other individual despite how nasty, rude and disrespectful that person may have acted towards me. Overanalyzing situations that are now already sealed in time creates a space for us to once again experience the same anger and frustration that we’ve somehow moved beyond. It’s unhealthy. Instead of critically examining every aspect of the relationship you walked away from, understand the fact that you made a healthy, logical decision that your emotions now have to filter.

FILTER YOUR FEELINGS THROUGH FAMILIAR CHANNELS. It sounds very cliché’ to suggest that you surround yourself with those who love you most, but it’s a necessary step in repairing your broken heart. Secluding yourself from friends and isolating yourself from family only blocks your internal self from receiving reassurance. Your spirit needs to be saturated with compliments and laughter following a breakup. Often times, it’s our friends and other loved ones who will say things or create moments to temporarily numb our pain.

You also have to place yourself in physical environments and familiar spaces that have absolutely nothing to do with your ex or the former relationship. Familiar spaces may include the journal you use to write in on a daily basis prior to falling in love. Maybe there was a television show you watched on Netflix regularly, but stopped once the relationship consumed your time. There’s something in your life that is essential to the person you were prior to getting romantically involved with someone new. Make an effort to retreat back to that familiar channel. It will sooth your soul.

You are hurting yourself deeper by trying to force your heart to heal in a certain amount of time. Getting over him and moving beyond the daily thoughts and nighttime sadness depends upon your willingness to embrace the pain, release control to someone else to support you, pushing against your desire to overanalyze the breakup and filtering your feelings through familiar channels. You will smile again.

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