Trying to connect with a guy over the phone can be an extremely daunting task. As KIK exchanges and direct message (DM) conversations have dominated contemporary means of communication, it almost seems awkward to ACTUALLY engage in regular, verbal conversations. Once upon a time, building up the nerve to ask a guy for his phone number was a supreme challenge. Now, figuring out what to say to him once he requests to TALK as opposed to TEXT puts many teens and twenty-something’s into a space of oblivion. No one wants to place themselves in the position of being the one to call, but feeling extremely uncomfortable trying to figure out HOW to fill those long, silent pauses. The easiest and most common convo starter is to ask, “what are you doing?” —
but what do you say to follow up when he simply responds with that one word reply… “nothing? “
COME UP WITH OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS – The honest truth is that most guys are very dry and draining when it involves engaging in phone conversations. They have become extremely use to typing their responses and often asking someone in the background what to say first. Therefore, being forced to verbally interact with a new romantic interest can really catch him off guard. The majority of his responses are going to be quick, one-word replies — as he will most likely not throw the same questions back at you. This is why everything you ask him should be a question that requires details or the telling of a story of some sort. One of the best questions to present to a guy during the first major phone conversation is, “why did your last relationship end?” – This question not only forces your potential new dude to speak in full sentences, but his response will truly give you insight into how he handles his heart, his role as a boyfriend and the feelings of the individual he’s romantically linked to. It makes little sense for you to present open-ended questions that won’t provide the types of information that you will need to make an informed decision about moving forward with him. Remember, the first phone conversation exists as the precursor for the first official date.
LISTEN INTENTLY TO HIS RESPONSES – A lot of people don’t realize that LISTENING is actually a skill that many of us lack. Often times, when we are engaged in a face-to-face or phone conversation, we are simply waiting for the other person to shut-up so we can chime in with our own thoughts and opinions. We hear the other voice on the receiving end, but are rarely tuned in to what the other individual is actually saying. When we take the time to actually listen to the new guy we’ve met, he will usually say something very intriguing or otherwise important that will easily allow you to guide the next phase of the conversation. As he is speaking, he may be answering your initial question, but more than likely, his reply will include information that raises even more questions or curiosities. Listening to him speak in detail certainly provides the necessary cues to bring up other topics of conversation.
My experience has taught me that guys are most honest and forthcoming with what you really want or NEED to know during moments when they aren’t being interrogated. When he starts talking, just let him go on and on and on.
PLAN AHEAD FOR THE PHONE CALL – Even though it may seem a bit corny to have your first phone conversation outlined, it really is a good idea to somewhat know which topics your new guy is most interested in. If your previous text messages and DM conversations have revealed that he loves to eat all of the time or really enjoys cooking, it makes perfect sense that you bring up food, recipes or inquire about his favorite restaurant during that initial convo. Even if you couldn’t care any less about working out, if exercising is his “thing”, it will help ease the tension to discuss his gym routine. You can even stroke his ego a bit by asking how he gets his arms so big and cut up.
People really do underestimate how much certain guys really do enjoy talking about themselves. Some of them won’t initiate conversations where they discuss their hobbies or other interests. However, once someone else presents the opportunity for them to delve in, guys will more than likely entertain the moment. Never hesitate in the beginning to address the topics and issues that you already know gets him excited, passionate and verbally engaged.
DO NOT DOMINATE THE CONVERSATION – Regardless of how dry and draining this guy may seem over the phone, never spend the entire time simply talking about yourself. These actions will more than likely turn your potential new dude off and he will avoid all future calls. If he is seemingly boring or shy, still make attempts to ask the open-ended questions or ignite topics that you know are already of interest to him. Of course you should openly share personal stories, your individual likes and other life experiences. Simply make sure that the two of you are taking turns being verbally expressive. To let truth be told, a lot of guys don’t want to be on the phone in the first place. So, once you do get him to set aside the time to talk, make sure that you are being fair in giving him the room to speak. If you have to ask, “ARE YOU STILL THERE?”… It means you are indeed dominating the conversation & he has gone silent in hopes that you will shut up.
MAKE YOUR FOLLOW UP PHONE CALLS SPORADIC – Just because the initial phone conversation went exceptionally well does not mean that the next few will be just as successful. There is no need to call his phone every single morning or every single night at the same time. When you have constant phone contact with someone new, it can sometimes limit what the two of you have left to discuss. The daily, back to back calls may even contribute to those awkward, silent moments that many of us try our best to avoid. If you stay on the phone three hours the first night, maybe allow the following day to be filled with a fun exchange of text messages and the third day spent face-timing or skyping. There is no rule that states two people HAVE to talk on the phone every single day in order to truly get to know one another better during the initial dating phase of their relationship.
Successfully getting through our first phone call with a new guy can be a challenging task. However, when we plan ahead, ask open-ended questions, listen intently, and refrain from dominating the convo, we create a space where this potential love interest will want to talk to us again. And as the two of you grow closer and your dude becomes more comfortable, maybe he will choose to carry the weight of guiding the follow up conversations.
posted via the Xem VanAdams social media networks on August 20, 2015
I think we, myself included, often forget that there still does exist the earthly presence of a single man who is happily “doing him”. Not everyone spends their days and nights thinking about being in a relationship. Instead of chasing cuddle sessions, weekend dates and thick, round tail, he is content spending time with himself. He enjoys the routine of waking up, working out, heading to work, coming home, washing his truck, fixing dinner for himself, reading, watching CNN, maybe posting a pic on Instagram, taking a shower, talking to his mother on the phone for 20 minutes and then falling asleep in the center of his own bed.
Every single man isn’t on the prowl for a romantic companion. He is just as content in life spending time with his nieces & nephew while his sister runs her errands. He looks forward to going to the movies to see “Straight Outta Compton” alongside the friends he grew up with in the old neighborhood. Yes, he has experienced romantic love in the past and knows firsthand the comfort that a partner potentially provides.
However, he isn’t looking for love…or expecting to even find it. He enjoys his freedom to just BE. And despite everyone’s assumptions that he’s sleeping with multiple people or entertaining numerous individuals behind closed doors, his life really couldn’t be any simpler. He’s single by choice, but open to allowing something new to impress upon his life – IF the opportunity just so happen to present itself.
posted via the Xem VanAdams social media networks on August 25, 2015
when a guy comes out of his mouth and blatantly says, “IM NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. SHORTY, IM JUST CHILLIN” – pay very close attention & never forget his telling words.
it does not matter how often the two of you smoke together, have sex, wake up in the same bed or get caught up in the longest and most intimate conversations. it does not matter how many times he has asked you to help him with things that seem like tasks or responsibilities that someone would only ask of a romantic partner. the universal, social motto, “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS” does not necessarily apply to guys who arent interested in investing themselves into committed, titled relationships. yes, he enjoys spending time with you. he definitely finds you attractive. and he may have even introduced you to his mother, god sister, close homeboys and first born. so what?…
once upon a time, these moments were monumental signals that suggested a dating situation was moving closer to something substantial. now-a-day, guys pull these stunts as a part of their regular, dating routine. EVERYONE meets the homies in 2015 and EVERYONE gets invited to family cookouts.
you and your “girlfriends” are wasting time sitting around trying to figure out WHY he would have said this or done that IF he didn’t really want to be with you. when a man you have been spending intimate time with has changed his mind about wanting to enter into a more serious, monogamous relationship, he will come out of his mouth and say so.
him getting jealous over you pretending that you’re seeing someone else or him blowing up your phone because you’ve been intentionally ignoring his text messages for days, is his EGO IN ACTION and not his heart.
it’s totally cool that you play with the guy who “isn’t looking for anything serious”, but balance the time you spend with him alongside another man who IS wanting a long term relationship.
*its just so unfortunate that the guys who are willing to give us the world are the ones we are usually not organically drawn to*
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If we are being completely honest with ourselves, no one actually wants to breakup with their boyfriend, fiancé or husband after discovering his first cheating scandal. Ideally, “he cheats once and I’m gone” is the motto many of us carry entering into a new relationship. However, after years of building something comfortable and establishing a familiar space alongside someone special, most people aren’t going to let go of their romantic investment simply because their man makes one mistake. Whenever we tend to discuss the realities of cheating amongst our social circles, people who have never experienced a long-term relationship are quick to suggest that a side-piece should never be approached. Some individuals feel that the man we romantically involve ourselves with is the only party who should be answering our questions or providing an explanation about his involvements outside of the relationship. And while I do agree that the man we love should be held responsible for all of his disloyal and unfaithful ways, a man is rarely going to offer the entire story once he gets caught.
Men sit quietly and listen to their partner scream, holler and GO OFF about his cheating antics because he needs to figure out how much information you’ve actually discovered. A man’s responses will usually only address the simple facts or assumptions you’ve laid before him. So, unless you’ve physically caught him engaged in a sexual act with someone else, his details regarding the other person are going to strictly align with the basics of what you may have found out or been told.
When you are wondering why your man isn’t saying anything as you are screaming to the top of your lungs and presenting your evidence against him, it’s because he is waiting for you to reveal all of the facts that you have gathered. He is never going to respond in the middle of your rant – possibly incriminating himself by addressing a portion of his affair that you know nothing about. Hence the reason you may want to address the side-piece first.
In contemporary culture, playing the role of the side piece has become a glorified, made for reality television career. Intentionally pursuing men who are knowingly involved in long-term relationships has become a routine that is now being practiced publicly. The side piece, known commonly as the “other man” or “other woman” is often an individual who isn’t necessarily looking for love – but instead has set their sights on a social or financial come up by way of a guy who seemingly “has it all”. People are now plotting situations to connect with married, engaged and other romantically linked men as a ploy to cause trouble and create pseudo opportunities for themselves. Sometimes, our men are to blame for igniting the initial stages of the rendezvous with the other person. However, in some circumstances, he is merely guilty of stepping into a bait trap and getting caught up in a situation that he had no business entertaining in the first place.
In some circumstances, the other individual your dude is dealing with has no idea that he is involved in a solid, romantic relationship. This is why approaching his side-piece in a mature fashion can benefit the outcome of this unfortunate situation. In the event that he was the pursuer, he possibly presented himself as a single man who is free to date, deal and sleep with anyone he so chooses. And it’s in this instance that the side-piece will be so disgusted and feel so degraded being lied to and played as second best, that he or she will immediately cut all ties with your guy. You will still have to make the logical decision to either continue being romantically involved with your man or not, but by addressing the side-piece directly, you have potentially eliminated the length of time it may have taken for him to end the affair.
Despite his admittance to any and all wrongdoing, a man isn’t going to immediately unfollow a side-piece on social media or send a text stating that all communication needs to cease. He isn’t going to rush to verbally tell the other person that he is actually involved in a relationship and has decided to focus his attention on that romantic commitment. Yes, it is a man’s job to end any sexual or inappropriate relationships that he has involved himself in outside of his established partnership. Sometimes, however, taking matters into our own hands resolves the surface issue quicker — that surface issue being the physical presence of this third party.
The other skanky and cantankerous type of side-piece are the ones who pursued your man and were fully aware of his relationship status in the very beginning. This type of side-piece is indeed jealous of what you’ve established with your man and has convinced themselves that by messing with him, the interaction places their questionable status on your social and moral level. Once approached face to face, this type of “other person” will more than likely share all of the details of the affair in an attempt to hurt you or knock you down a few pegs. Some of the information will be over exaggerated of course, but much of what you were unable to uncover on your own will be laid on the table for you to decipher.
At least by first approaching the other person in this instance, you are able to present your dude with a full spectrum of details and events surrounding his indiscretions. Instead of sitting back and only having to address the minor details that you are able to lay on the table upon stumbling across that first late night text message, the information that you’ve gathered from his “other”, forces him to address the entire, sorted situation.
Keep in mind, however, that a side-piece is only as relevant and threatening to your relationship as your man allows that individual to be. If your dude truly honors and respects the sanctity of what he has established alongside you, there isn’t another person walking who can seduce him into violating your trust or his loyalty to you. Sometimes, men do give in to physical temptations. Once you find out about the cheating, whether it is mild flirtation or an intense, ongoing relationship, you have to decide very quickly how to best effectively handle the situation. Do you approach him with the minor, initial information that you have uncovered on your own or do you approach the side-piece first to seek details and to make your position as the boyfriend or girlfriend, understood?
Either way, there is nothing socially or morally wrong with deciding to stay with your man after discovering that he has indeed cheated. However, a cheating mistake repeated more than once then becomes a conscious decision. You can accept his apology and promises the first time, but do not ever tolerate a recycling door that your man leaves open for other people and side-pieces to constantly enter your relationship. It is totally unacceptable.
COMING SOON: “LOVE, DATING & RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN“:
The iPhone Group Chat Live (Washington DC) — Sunday, August 16, 2015
to be exclusively released viayoutube.com/XemVanAdams, XemSays.com & XemSays.tumblr.com
We all have a guy existing in our lives who is famous for sending that annoying and cliche, “HEY STRANGER” text almost immediately after he has bumped into us out at a party or has recently seen the attention we’re receiving from strangers in the comment section beneath our new, online postings. He is someone who we have been attracted to for a very long time – a guy who we’ve been texting, talking to, or spending on and off time with for almost a year. This man is fully aware of the intimate and romantic feelings we have for him. There have been at least three or four occasions where he too has expressed his mutual love or care. The issue, however, is that this guy has not made the necessary sacrifices or taken the appropriate steps to secure a solid relationship with us. He no longer makes a point to talk to us frequently. He isn’t affectionate unless we are actually in his presence. And it’s pretty obvious that he is still entertaining the company of people who he knows are interested in being more than simply his damn friend.
As a result of the months of inconsistencies, you haven’t cut him off completely, but you no longer initiate the communication or make advances to reassure him of your feelings. He responds to your calculated distance by making snide remarks saying – “I see your groupies leaving kissy faces under all of your half naked pictures”, or…
“I see you got yourself new, little dates, huh”?
You roll your eyes and laugh to yourself in response. In your mind, you know that you aren’t phased by the public attention, but the fact that he is affected by the assumption that you’ve moved on, makes you feel accomplished.
When you first met this guy months and months ago, he made you feel that he was open to the possibility of a solid relationship. The two of you actually went on a series of dates together that eventually turned into regular, face-to-face interactions. There was even a period of time when he would stay at your place for days and cook, lay around, give you the keys to his car to run errands and even offer to pay for everything. The beginning stages of the relationship felt really good.
Now, this man only seems to give you attention when it’s convenient for him – like, it’s 8:45 on a Sunday night and he’s driving home tipsy from some rooftop, day party. You haven’t seen or heard from him the entire weekend, but now that he’s mildly intoxicated and aroused, he’s texting or calling asking if he can come over. You respond with a bold, “HELL NO!” — and out of nowhere, he starts crying. It’s clearly the alcohol, and you know it. Now you’re receiving a series of apologies and the, “I’m so sorry for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated” speech — more of his pointless, “I really do love you. I care about you so much. Please don’t do this to us”, lyrics.
You are sitting on the opposite end of his emotional outburst somewhat feeling guilty about your attempts to create distance from him. On the contrary, a part of you feels overjoyed by the fact that the plotting and your actions to take control of this situation have brought this man to his knees. You’re feeling vindicated of all guilt after thinking about the ways in which this man has kept you dangling on a rope for so long. However, the other side of you that loves and misses this man wants to immediately forgive and reassure him that you aren’t going anywhere.
AVOID MAKING THIS SAME MISTAKE FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME…
Guys are very much governed by the instinct to avoid loss. When they see how desired you are by other men when the two of you happen to be out at the same party or they’re reading flirtatious comments beneath your newest selfie, it can create a sense of panic. Many of the actions guys take or impulsive decisions they make to FINALLY HIT YOU UP, stem from a desire to own and hold on to people or things that he believes increases his personal value.
He sends that “HEY STRANGER” text as a selfish ploy to keep you grounded and isolated in his life. He is well aware of the fact that the only reason he hasn’t seen you or heard from you is because he hasn’t made an attempt to do so.
No, he isn’t willing to give you the love and affection that you deserve, but he also doesn’t want you seeking that level of attention from someone else.
When a man begins crying and pleading for you to not leave him, after his behavior has forced you to walk out of the door, it’s because he is scared for the first time. However, he isn’t scared of losing you as a person as much as he is afraid of losing someone who he felt belonged to only him. Its his desire for ownership that has taken over his emotions and psyche. During all of those days and weeks and months that you were calling and texting and reaching out to him constantly, he had no reason to fear the thoughts of your absence. This man genuinely felt that he no longer had to put forth effort to maintain your attention because you were not ever going to move on from him. His recent goal has been to say or do just enough, the BARE MINIMUM, to convince you to stay put… and for the most part, you have.
So — NO, you should not take him seriously at this point, for it is merely his ego that he is protecting, and NOT your heart or your desire to exist in a committed relationship alongside him.